Haiku Wednesday XIV: Anniversary

Anniversary
Celebrations for your blog?
That's one lame party!
(Happy 1st birthday to The Pollution Machine! Stay tuned tomorrow for our exciting First Anniversary Contest!)

Until next time,
The Jim

Does This Mean I Get to Meet Ice Cube?

Yesterday, I received an exciting and heartfelt e-mail. I thought I'd share it with you:

Subject: NEEDED URGENTLY‏
Well, you've definitely got my attention.

From: SGT.NELSON DILLON (dmdesigns@cox.net)
I would have thought a military guy would have used his military e-mail address, but what do I know? Let's hear this fellow out.

My name is Sgt Nelson Dillon, serving in the Engineering military unit in Ba'qubah in Iraq.
Hey, what a coincidence! I'm an engineer as well.

As you know, we are being attacked by insurgents everyday and car bombings.
Well, if my career has taught me anything, poor grammar is standard practice for engineers, so he certainly seems legitimate.

we found some money here in Baqubah in Iraq,
Wait a second ...

and We want to move this money out of iraq
... this sounds familiar ...

to a reputable/sincere person for investment purposes. We plan on using diplomatic means to shipping the money out as military cargo, using diplomatic immunity
... I've seen this movie. Three Kings! It was surprisingly great, and I don't even care for George Clooney that much.

This is the reason for contacting you.
OK, this doesn't sound right at all. The whole point of this plan is to secretly sneak money out. Why would you tell some random stranger?

Once the funds get to you,take your 30% out and keep our own 70%..
Oh, that's why.

The only thing we require from you is just for you to help us find a safe place where the funds can be sent to,because Iraq is a war zone.
Well, I'm no expert, but I imagine there are plenty of ways. I mean, the UN certainly has a reputation for embezzling money, so maybe you can find your nearest "peace keeper." Then again, maybe I should just give him my bank account information? I mean, how could I not trust a U.S. Army Sergeant?

If you are interested get back for more details. Thanks, Sgt Nelson.
Oh, I'll definitely be in touch! FREE MONEY, BABY! What can go wrong?

---

It's good to know that in these hard economic times, con men aren't just resting on their laurels. No, they're not just pretending to be a Nigerian prince or a British attorney for a fictional lottery. Now they're swiping plots from blockbuster Hollywood films. Way to keep ahead of the curve, scam artists!

I'm just curious, though - is this the start of a trend? Will I soon get other such e-mails?

From; Doc Brown
Greetings, sir. I have traveled from teh future using a flex capacitar. I am contacting you,
because I need your help to use my future knowledge to make it rich so we can "Save the Clock Tower!" Just send me $20,000US, and I will use my Sports Almanac to make us wealthy. All I ask is to keep 30%. Contact me if you are interested.

Or how about this one:

Subject: ON A SEARCH
From: Sauron@darklord.netspeak.com

My friend! It has just come to my attention that a valuable piece of property has been dicovered. My ring whichwas illegally stolen from me will enable me to take a prime position in the market.

Unfortunately, I am having trouble retreinving it. I have a swarm of employees, but they are little skilled at collection. Also, I only have one eye, so my depth perception is bad.This is wher you can help.
If you will just provide me with $33,000, I will be able to properly fund my search.for your share in our venture, you will be awarded 60% stake in all future earnings, as well as a "I won't slaughter your children" guarantee.
I think you for your time. Please contact me for more details.
Sauron D. Lord
MORDOR HOLDINGS LTD.

Until next time,
The Jim

A REALLY Long Column About Roller Coasters

A couple of weekends ago, we had a sister-in-law staying with us. This isn't the same sister-in-law whose current permanent residence is Casa de Jim (at least for the next few months). Our visitor was the youngest of Mrs. The Jim's clan, while the other sister-in-law happened to be out of town. It's starting to look like we may have a caveat in our house's title where we must have at least one member of my wife's family in our abode at any given time ... but I digress.

That Friday, I went with Mrs. The Jim all the way to Fort Worth in order to meet with a financial aid officer at The Insanely Expensive Nursing School. Our guest came with us, so that Jenn could show off her school and such. As is often the case, I took an atypical route home (this time, to avoid traffic), and we managed to drive through beautiful Arlington.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Metroplex area, Arlington is halfway between Dallas & Fort Worth, and has very little reason for existing beyond that fact. The city, however, has made a long-term effort to bring in multiple tourist attractions, and it now serves as the home of the Texas Rangers*, a large water park, and the most KICK-ASS stadium ever devised by Man. This trend started, however, all the way back in 1960, when a wise, wise man brought us the greatness that is Six Flags over Texas.

On our trip through Arlington, Mrs. The Jim got a crazy idea as to how cool it would be to take off on a Saturday and head to the park. This likely won't shock you, considering I'm a grown man obsessed with The Flash and Green Lantern, but I still LOVE amusement parks. Needless to say, it didn't take much convincing to bring me around, and I found myself withdrawing a few bucks from our vacation fund and shelling out for 3 tickets and a parking pass.

I made sure we left first thing in the morning, as I wanted to guarantee I made full use of the all-day pass. Of course, it immediately began to rain. This, however, would not deter us from our travels, and we ended up having a fun time. I'm well aware of the fact that America values my opinions and reviews (and by America, I mean the 7 or so of you that read this thing), so I thought I would share a few thoughts about our day:

Item 1: Pros & Cons of Precipitation: A rainy morning certainly helps to keep away the average, local park-goer; however, you shouldn't think the place will be vacant. People travel from all over to come to Six Flags, and it's not like you can just postpone or extend your summer vacation plans a day or two because of rain. To that end, you will still have to contend with a bunch of rabble - just far less than normal.

Running around in the rain can be miserable, but we lucked out in that the weather wasn't horrendously bad. There was consistent rain, but we weren't deluged with a monsoon. If it had been about 10 degrees warmer, everything would have been optimal. On that day, though, an unwelcome side effect was that riding on the high-velocity rides often left you shivering. I'm proud to report, though, that we sucked it up and soldiered on.

Several of the rides were closed due to the rain, but there didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason as to which rides were inoperable. The two largest roller coasters in the park were up and running, while a smaller, seemingly safer ride was closed down all day. Part of me thinks that whether or not a ride was open had less to do with the equipment, and more to do with which ride's personnel bothered to show up for work.

Item 2: Freakin' Band Camp: Remember how I told you that people plan a trip to Six Flags months in advance, and they were going to show up no matter what? (You know, roughly 150 words ago.) Well, apparently one of those groups on this day was some sort of band camp for middle school kids. Is there anything more annoying than some 7th grade kid? How about 300 of them, in the rain, away from home with minimal supervision?

To be honest, the kids didn't bother me that much. The person who really seemed out-of-whack was the 18-year-old sister-in-law. She made sure to let us know that she was never that annoying, although Jenn tended to disagree. For my part, I'm quite confident I was that annoying, and probably a whole lot geekier.

Item 3: The Seventh (or Eighth) Flag?: As every good American should know, the name "Six Flags over Texas" refers to the 6 separate national flags that have flown over the state or territory in various times of its history: France, Spain, Mexico, the Republic of Texas, the Confederacy, and the USA. Each flag has its own part of the park - even the Confederacy (although they refer to it as the "Old South" these days, and they use a much less controversial flag than the old Stars and Bars). Eventually, they added a kid's section, which is now Looney Tunes USA, with Bugs Bunny and such. It’s debatable as to whether that section deserves its own flag. (Oddly enough, that section used to be Pac-Man Land back in the '80s. How insane would that be if they had just stuck with such a dated reference? Did all the rides involve eating dots and wandering through a maze?)

Well, the good people at Six Flags decided that there needed to be a Seventh Flag over Texas (or eighth, if you count the Bugs Bunny flag). That flag, of course, is ...

(Click above to supersize that bad boy!)
That's right - Gotham City! There's a whole Batman section now, with some pretty kick-ass coasters. Mrs. The Jim believes that section evolved whenever Astroworld closed down in Houston, but they may just be duplicates. Regardless, it was pretty sweet. My wife wouldn't let me fly my own Batwing, as that was actually a kiddie ride. I did, however, get to ride on the Batman coaster and the Mr. Freeze (more on this later).

One thing I learned about Gotham City is that it apparently has an overabundance of carneys. Everywhere we turned, someone wanted me to try to win a stuffed dog or a crappy basketball. The Joker wasn't around, but there was some dude who wanted to guess my weight. I found this quite educational - it's little tidbits like that which somehow get left out of the comics.

Item 4: Do Not Take Off Your Hand!: Toward the end of our trip, the rain had stopped and the crowds were getting a little bit larger. We had just finished Batman: The Ride, and I was excited about getting on the Mr. Freeze. Shockingly, both the sister-in-law and wife chickened out. Jenn rarely gets scared about riding anything, so that should tell you how intimidating this thing can be. Undaunted, I received permission to go it alone from my boss/wife, and headed to the line.

I don't know if Walt Disney invented the concept of "hidden lines" for rides, but I've always heard he perfected it. The idea is that he had the rides at Disneyland and Disney World built so that you could only see a small portion of the line at any given time. That way, you wouldn't notice you were in a 1.5 hour wait, and you would be more likely to tough it out.

Well, I'm here to report that Six Flags has this concept as well. I literally stood one full hour in line, but I only saw how long the line was when I finally got to the front. I was sandwiched in between a lesbian couple and a few 20-something peeps from India. So, I pretty much kept to myself and had a lot of time with my own thoughts.

While in line, I decided to read the warning signs for Mr. Freeze. Most of them are pretty straightforward, but they started to get crazier as you went down the list. The final two items were:

• No prosthetics will be allowed on the ride.
• Patrons must have all hands and feet in order to ride.

Now, this ride has some SERIOUS G-FORCES. They put you in a train, shoot you out of a tunnel at 70mph. You are then immediately driven toward the sky on a sharp hairpin turn that has you over 200 feet in the air (and briefly upside down). After you come down from that, you then start heading up a completely vertical track that just ends out in the blue yonder. Right as you reach the end, you immediately come back down, and take the whole ride again backwards at breakneck speeds. It's an insane experience that has crazy forces and lasts a grand total of 40 seconds. I counted - twice. (As I said, I had a lot of time on my hands while in line.) It's insane to think I stood in line for an hour for a 40 second ride, but it was well worth it. IT WAS AWESOME!!

Anyway, I got off subject. My point is that with those kinds of forces, something like an artificial leg could easily become detached. I don't know what the lawsuit would be like for someone hit with an artificial leg falling from 200 feet, but I'm guessing it would be substantial. If I had to hazard a guess, I'm sure someone tried to ride it with an artificial leg once - the operator told them no - the patron said there was nothing wrong with that - there was a big stink - and that all led to the "no prosthetics" rule.

Which you would think would be enough, right? Then some guy with an artificial arm shows up, and says, "Fine! Just hold me arm, and I be back in two shakes." (For some reason, this guy is a pirate in my scenario.) Of course, I'm sure the ride designers expected a person's arms and legs to help hold them into the seat. If you think the liability on a fallen fake leg is bad, how about the liability on a guy with no arms shooting out of the ride at 60 mph because he slipped out of the harness? This, of course, must have led some lawyer to come up with the "must have arms and legs" rule.

Personally, I thought this was an interesting little example into how the litigious nature of our society permeates every facet of our lives. (Like I said, I had a LOT of time alone with my thoughts in line.)

---

Well, after waiting for me that long, the girls were ready to head home. It was a fun day, and it helped remind me that I married well. I mean, how many other women are as nuts about amusement parks as I am? In fact, we've already decided that we'll be going to the Six Flags park in San Antonio for part of our 2nd anniversary / summer getaway. Part of me hopes it rains a little that day as well - just to keep out the amateurs.

Until next time,
The Jim

---

*Long time readers (and by long time, I mean a couple of months or so) will recall that I'm toying with the idea of switching The Official Pollution Machine's Baseball Allegiance from Cleveland to the Rangers. Currently, the Indians are in last place, and the Rangers are in first, but that still hasn't helped me make the jump yet. Right now, I'm mostly just ignoring baseball entirely. I'm not sure where this will lead.

Haiku Wednesday XIII: Traffic Report

Traffic will be slow
On the Icelandic Highway.
A moose is on fire.
(Sometimes when I'm bored, I play out little fictitious scenes in my head. It's probably best not to ask too many questions.)

Until next time,
The Jim

LOCAL NEWS! LOCAL NEWS!

Last night, I had a weird dream.

First of all, I wasn't even in the dream. It was more of a movie my brain decided to create for me - my own Theater of the Brain. A child meets some homeless guy on the street, and the dude is clearly deranged. He may, in fact, be schizophrenic, but I can't make an accurate diagnosis based on this story.

The young child (played by Haley Joel Osment) befriends the man, and tries to help him. I think the crazy guy may have been played by Bryan Cranston (the dad from Malcolm in the Middle), but I might be mixing that up with an ad for Breaking Bad I saw yesterday. It's hard to keep things straight when you're recalling a dream.

(By the way, the kid or the crazy guy may have had a dog. I'm pretty sure there was a dog in the final scene, but I'm not sure to whom it belonged, if anyone.)

My brain apparently was bored with the plot build-up, so I jumped straight to the final scene. The boy and the crazy dude somehow end up in a different part of town, or a different city entirely. The whack-job sees something on a TV in a store window, and instantly starts screaming "LOCAL NEWS!" Something has triggered his memory, and he starts trudging down the street. Eventually, he ends up in a dining room with some very ornate and well-maintained furniture. (Really, all I remember is a very nice dining room table, but I'm sure there were some chairs and such.) Somebody walks in from the kitchen, and it's ... another kid who also looks like Haley Joel Osment (except with wild hair and possibly a Grizzly Adams beard for some reason).

The other kid is extremely calm - almost Spock-like - as he relays the story that the crazy guy is his father. The mother died almost 4 years ago, and their finances began to dwindle. The father had to sell off pretty much everything, but he refused to get rid of his wife's favorite possession - her formal dining set. People hounded after him, because apparently this table is quite impressive. Somehow, this led to his subsequent insanity, although my Theater of the Brain didn't clearly explain that train of events.

In his father's absence, the son survived on his own and maintained the furniture. Apparently, he's had the table appraised and it's worth $900,000! In the background, the crazy father is loudly weeping, presumably with joy.

THE END

Needless to say, this little tale left me with several questions:

1. How did the man's son survive on his own for 4 years? Wouldn't someone have noticed this kid all alone?


2. Was the guy already crazy? Was he, in fact, schizophrenic? Was he always crazy, and he became uncontrollable without his wife's care? For some reason, I was left with the impression that the antiques buyers who coveted the table actually drove him insane, but how is THAT possible?


3. Why on earth was the son so incredibly cold and logical while relaying the story? I distinctly remember the father going monkey-butt crazy with the sobbing, but the son was acting like he was telling some dude about his day at work.


4. Why $900,000? Why not a million, or 5 million? Why would I settle on that sum?


5. How can a character look like Haley Joel Osment with a Grizzly Adams beard? I can't even conceive of that logically!

I haven't the slightest notion what any of this means. I often have exceptionally odd dreams, but rarely do I recall them when I awake. Why would this one stay with me?

Am I destined to go crazy over a dining room table? Will I have a son who looks like Haley Joel? Should I grow a beard and live with bears? Or did I just eat too much for Memorial Day?

Really, this is almost as confusing as the time I had the dream about Jabberjaws. (And yes, that actually happened!)

Until next time,
The Jim

Haiku Wednesday XII: Hard Hat

Glorious hard hat:
Powerful shell for my head.
My noggin's ouch-proof!
(Yes, I just used the word "ouch-proof." This may signal the end of poetry as an art form.)

Until next time,
The Jim

Haiku Wednesday XI: Calculus

"Calculus" is the
Word describing difficult
Math or kidney stones.
(It's true. Look it up.)

Until next time,
The Jim