Poetry for the ADD Generation!

In my junior year of high school, we began to study various forms of poetry. It's a subject I had already touched on throughout the years. Isn't it relatively common during a school year that an English teacher incorporates the definitions of quatrain, limerick, and iambic pentameter into their coursework?

Regardless, we started delving into this topic, and included in the various forms of verse was haiku. Haiku, for those of you who are unaware, is a traditional form of Japanese poetry that typically is a reflection on nature. The form is rather short, as it's comprised of three lines of 5, 7, & 5 syllables, respectively.

Of all the forms of poetry, my adolescent brain considered haiku as one of the most ridiculous. How hard was it to come up with a small collection of 10 words or so? To a 16-year-old science-oriented geek, it's hard to grasp the idea that trying to come up with something meaningful while using such a restrictive form is the whole point, and where the imagination and artistry arises. Now I still believe that there is a lot of poetry that's highly overrated babble, where meaning is only derived because high-minded-types are convinced it must have meaning. That being said, I can at least now comprehend what people are trying to do when writing haiku.

In our English class, we were required to write an example of all of the various poetry forms. Putting as little thought as possible into it, I penned the following:
Grass is green,
It flows so gently.
I love it!
As you'll no doubt notice, I wrote a 3-5-3 poem, instead of the required 5-7-5 format. Now, your average person, when recognizing the error, would have just written something new. That, however, seemed to be to much effort for me. My lazy, "get it over with" solution was just to add some syllables to each line, which resulted in the following masterpiece:

Grass is very green,
My, my, it flows so gently.
Oh, boy! I love it!
The "Oh, boy! I love it!" line received quite a few laughs during the class, and as I'm sad enough to do anything for a potential laugh, I kicked off my hobby of writing ridiculous, moronic haiku. During various periods, I would write scores and scores of poems, referencing such diverse items as Stephen King's The Langoliers to some random fountain in Houston.

(And if you think that's the geekiest thing you've ever heard, you haven't heard about the time I ran for school mascot becuase I thought the concept of a lazy, unergetic mascot would be funny.)

Sometime after college, I decided to collect all of them in some sort of half-ass anthology, which I gave out to a few friends. I don't think I've written a haiku since then.

The reason I mention all of this is to introduce a new running segment. As my legion of readers are aware, I often go through long stretches where I'm either too busy to post something, or I'm completely unable to develop a topic. In order to make sure there's at least some level of regularity here at The Machine, I've decide to start a new weekly segment:

Haiku Wednesdays!!
Every Wednesday, I'll post one of my old, or possibly even a new one. They may possibly be accompaniend by an explanation or discussion, if so warranted.

Don't fret, Gentle Reader! This won't replace my normal ramblings. Rather, it will merely augment them, much like Cool Whip augments a nice bowl of Jell-O. (Yes, that is perhaps the lamest metaphor on record. Just go with me on this.)

Until next time,
The Jim

Holiday Review Extravaganza Part III: Mix Tape (or is it Mix Disc?)

For Christmas, The Official Father-in-Law of The Jim did something quite unique ... he made me a mix CD. He & I share some musical interests (although I think he's far more accepting of country than I've ever been). Anyway, he apparently thought it would be fun to try to "get into my psyche" and develop a CD that I would appreciate.

Overall, I think he did a great job. For fun, I thought I'd go through each track and give you my thoughts:

(Note: I've included a link to LastFM or YouTube for each track so that you can hear the tunes yourself. Make sure to check them out.)

1) "High Time" by Michael Penn: Michael Penn is far & away the most talented member of the Penn clan, which includes his more famous, sanctimonious brother and his chunkier, recently-deceased other brother. Regardless, I've been a fan since I heard Seen the Doctor once on 120 Minutes. (How's that for kicking it Old School?) He has a real talent for combining jangling, folky music with more hard-driving rhythms and a melodious voice. I hadn't heard this song before, and I was quite impressed. As my buddy Will pointed out, he can't fathom a world where his Dad would even know who Michael Penn is. It was a strong showing out of the gate.

2) "She Says" by Howie Day: This was new for me. It took me a while to figure out, but this sounds very much like a combination of standard coffee house musician & John Meyer. It's OK, but it doesn't really stand out a whole lot.

3) "Fresh Feeling" by Eels: Now THIS is more like it! I love me some Eels. This is one of their more melodic, orchestral cuts, while I usually prefer their more hard-driving stuff, like Rags to Rags or Mr. E's Beautiful Blues, but really, I like all of it. I also think Mr. E has, for me, one of the most identifiable voices out there, along the lines of Tom Waits or John McCrea.

4) "Turn on Me" by The Shins: Just a classic, sounds-like-The-Shins song. Is there any band more identifiable with a movie that The Shins with Garden State? They only had 2 songs on that soundtrack, but for some reason, I always think of that movie whenever I hear them. Of course, I guess Simon & Garfunkel are probably more intrinsically tied into The Graduate, but you get my point.

5) "Easy Tonight" by Five for Fighting: I typically like piano groups, such as Keane or Ben Folds Five, but Five for Fighting doesn't seem to be in the same class. Decent song, but not overly memorable.

6) "Today" by Joshua Radin: This has a very Simon & Garfunkel feel to it. (Yes, it's my second Simon & Garfunkel reference today.) I think he's done a good job of going with that style without getting too cliché. Not bad.

7) "Dracula from Houston" by Butthole Surfers: I was all about 90's alt. music back in the day, but I never had any exposure to Butthole Surfers for some reason. Sure, I heard "Pepper" , but that's really all I know. They seem palatable, and "Dracula" is about 100 times better than "Pepper", but I can't say it moves me to go search out more from them.

8) "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley - This is one of my all-time favorite covers, right up there with Johnny Cash's Hurt and Jonathan Coulton's Baby Got Back. It was listed as the Imogen Heap version, but it was definitely Jeff Buckley. Always an awesome choice!

9) "Hooch" by Everything - Probably not the strongest track on here, but I already had the MP3, so that must mean I like it. It's your standard, meaningless one-hit summer wonder back from some year in the 1990's.

10) "Hold on Hope" by Guided by Voices: Guided by Voices always seems like a band I should appreciate, but I've never really made the plunge with them. For some reason, I thought this song sounded vaguely reminiscent of a more melodic & polished Milton Mapes, but that's probably a stretch. Probably a B- song.

11) "All in my Head" by Shawn Mullins: I've never really considered myself a Shawn Mullins fan, but I can't think of a song he's done that I didn't really like, including his work with The Thorns. This was one of those "why don't I own all this guy's albums" moments.

12) "Heroes" by The Wallflowers: I always appreciate a good cover, and this one isn't horrible (even if it doesn't do much more than copy the David Bowie version). It's also probably the only good thing to come out of the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla. (I actually skipped out from my research job whenever that hunk of crap opened to go watch it with my roommate back in college. Clearly, I was really committed to that project.)

13) "Overkill (Acoustic)" by Colin Hay: This was shocking, because I had coincidentally mentioned my recent interest in Colin Hay a couple of days before receiving the disc. Colin used to be the front man for Men at Work, but this acoustic cover of one of those early songs really shows the guys talent. The performance was so impressive that they essentially made an entire Scrubs episode around it, with Colin playing throughout. There's a great part midway through where his voice kicks it up an octave or two, and he instantly sounds like he's back in his 1980's voice. A++ song!

14) "Have it All" by Jeremy Kay: This one has a quasi-pop-blues feel to it. Decent, but not overly original.

15) "Windowsill" by The Arcade Fire: Arcade Fire is incredible in concert. They've got a ton of people on stage playing every conceivable instrument, and everyone's running around like they're in a sprint. The only band I've ever seen surpass that frenetic energy live was Polyphonic Spree ... and nobody has more people dancing around than The Spree! That being said, this track was almost overly mellow. I like my Arcade Fire with a little kick.

16) "Don't Look Away" by Joshua Radin: Our second Joshua Radin song, and I REALLY liked this one. This really stands out for me.

17) "Good Time" by Leroy: This one reminds me of when Bob Schneider gets into his hip-hp/funk moods. It's not as good, obviously, because ... c'mon - Bob Schneider! That being said, though, this is pretty kickin' as well.

18) "Sideways" by Citizen Cope: He labeled this one as Corey Taylor - he must have gotten a mislabeled MP3. Anyway, the song is utter bad-assery! I've actually listened to it three straight times just writing this description. Pure awesome!

19) "Waiting for my Real Life to Begin" by Colin Hay: Did I mention Colin Hay is awesome? He channels his inner Nick Drake on this one, and it really works great. I hope this guy is at least huge in Australia, because he deserves to be a bad ass somewhere.

So there it is. It's hard to argue with that CD, and I've definitely enjoyed listening to it off and on since Christmas. Not to brag, but it's definitely better than the one he gave his daughter!

Until next time,
The Jim

They'll Leave the Light on for You (but They'll Charge You $13.95 for that Light)

It was pretty busy at home & at the office last week, which explains the dearth of updates. My sister-in-law was in town interviewing for a new job. It didn't end up working out, so she had to head back down to The Land of Crawfish Boils & Daiquiri Stands. We're hoping she'll find something around here that will be better suited to her - it just may take a while in the current climate.

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Jennifer (also known as Mrs. The Jim) got tickets to the Austin City Limits Festival for my birthday (even though the thing is in October). I had been going annually until money got tight with school & such, but she apparently saved up for a while and pulled it off. It's my favorite musical event, even beating out Jazzfest. I had to miss it last year, but that turned out OK as I heard reports that it was the most disappointing lineup in years. (Alison Krauss & Robert Plant were, as headliners, apparently quite lacking.)

I looked around at who's making the big festivals this year, and I noticed that both Paul McCartney and The Cure were playing Coachella this year. While I doubt McCartney would do ACL, I could certainly see The Cure making it there, which would be bad ass! I'll keep you posted as things develop.

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For Valentine's, we decided to skip the gift-giving deal. Instead, we thought it'd be fun to stay at a nice hotel in The Big City, have a fancy meal, and all that stuff. After scoping out potential locations, we ended up going to The Fairmont. They had a Valentine's Package, which included:

• stay in a suite for 1 night
• three-course meal for two in their restaurant, with personalized menu cards
• rose petal & champagne turndown service
• monogrammed robes for both of us
• breakfast in bed the next morning

I had saved up a little money for it, and it seemed like a good deal. More importantly, the hotel was apparently named after my first car! How could we lose?

We showed up early and went down to The West End for lunch - that's the touristy, revitalized part of downtown. We grabbed something to eat at Dick's Last Resort (which wasn't much to talk about), and headed to the hotel. Unfortunately, we were still too early, as check-in wasn't until 3:00. Fortunately, the Dallas Museum of Art was right across the street, so we walked over and waited for them to call me when the room was ready.


The museum had a King Tut exhibit going on, but the expense and line for that was prohibitive. It also seems a little lurid to walk around gawking at stuff from some dude's grave. (It's not a big deal - I certainly looked at stuff like that at The British Museum. It's just always seemed just slightly seamy to me.) Regardless, we decided to just look over the normal exhibits.


The museum has an exhibit going from an Icelandic visual artist that was pretty neat. The coolest exhibit was a room filled with yellow fluorescents, similar to the bug lights people used to use on porches. Well, this particular wavelength of light had the effect of washing out all of the colors around you, so that everyone in the room looked like a black-and-white picture surrounded by yellow. It was an incredibly cool phenomenon, although Mrs. The Jim claimed it gave her a headache. We toured around for a couple of hours, as the Dallas Museum is quite expansive. I enjoyed the Modern Europeans and the Impressionists, while Jenn's really big on Georgian and early American portraits and furniture. The hotel never bothered to call me (the first of many times they dropped the ball), but we wandered over around 3:30 and got into our room.

First thing I noticed ... no robes! We had been quasi-excited about the monogrammed robes, as they would be our only tangible mementos of this thing. When I talked to the front desk, they were initially surprised about it, and then they told me they were "working on it".

The suite was nice - very expansive. We watched some TV, took a nap, and then got ready for dinner. (Mrs. The Jim had decided that we would have dinner at 6:00, because we were trying to beat the rush or something.) The meal was nice, although Jenn was less than impressed. They had a fixed menu, so we could only order 1 of 2 items for each course. They also had a complimentary champagne thing with a hibiscus in the glass. When they asked me if I wanted another, I said yes ... not realizing that they would charge me $12 for it! I also screwed up as we left, as I put the meal on my credit card instead of charging it to my room. Of course, no one bothered to tell me that I should charge it to the room. Nevertheless, we eventually straightened it out.

We went back to the room, and they had the rose petals on the bed (whoop-ti-do!), but no champagne or robes. I went and talked to the front desk. They straightened up the bill at the restaurant, told me they were "working on the robes," and the champagne would be delivered in one hour. We waited in our room and played Trivial Pursuit. (That's right - we KNOW how to party!) Roughly 2.5 hours later, still nothing. I call the front desk, and am told that champagne wasn't part of the package. They never bothered to call me to let me know this fact - they just never showed up. I then read the package to them from their on-line description. (Internet, by the way, cost us $15 to use, but Mrs. The Jim ordered it before she realized that fact.) They managed to stop in 20 minutes later with the bubbly.

I then noticed that the valet parking, which I thought was free for guests, actually cost us $25. The robes showed up around 11 PM, as some random housekeeper walked into the front door, not waiting for me to open the door. (Fortunately - or unfortunately, depending on your perspective - no nudity was on display.) Somewhere around this time, The Mrs. decided she wanted to order some room service. I was ticked off by now, and had started to approach my "boycott mode", wherein I had no desire to give these people any more money. This, of course, led to us arguing with each other, as we both took our frustrations out on each other for a few minutes.

The next morning, I ordered our complimentary breakfast in bed, for which they IMMEDIATELY charged me - even though they shouldn't. This required a phone call and a longer-than-necessary check out in order to get the issue rectified. Finally, we headed off, went back home, and watched TV the rest of the day.

So, in summary, how did The Fairmont rate? I'd say about a C+ (which, coincidentally, was about the same grade I would have given my 1979 Ford Fairmont). Mrs. The Jim thought I should write an angry letter (for which I'm well known); however, I didn't think the experience warranted it. I eventually got everything we were due, with the exception of personalized menu cards. The robes were nice, as was the meal and the room. It just seemed to me that, whether by design or ineptitude, I had to constantly watch these people to make sure they didn't overcharge me or forget to give me my swag. Maybe they're just an over-commercialized giant corporate chain that has no strong local presence. Maybe they assume people won't pay that much attention, so they know they'll get additional money out of those less attentive. All I know is that customer service was pretty poor for these folks.

I certainly wouldn't suggest anyone stay there, nor do I think we will either. There's a ton of other "fancy" hotels in the Dallas area, if we ever chose to do that again (although I don't think that's going to happen real soon).

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Well, that about sums it up. Next time, I'll manage to combine my final look back at the 2008 Christmas holidays with an insightful music review. How exciting!

Until next time,
The Jim

Soon to be the Next National Holiday!

Today is my birthday. As anyone who knows me can tell you, I have a tendency to either be childlike or maudlin. When I was 6, I was all about birthdays, as it meant I would be lavished with toys and cake. Now, however, I rarely receive toys, and as an adult, I'm quite capable of purchasing cake whenever I so desire. This reality takes a lot of the exuberance out of the event.

I typically get introspective around birthdays. The age of 35 seems to be an odd one these days. I'm still at what I consider to be an entry-level position - as are many of my peers. For some reason, though, I tend to think I should have gotten a little bit further in my career by this point. What can I say? I tend to be pretty hard on myself.

On a personal front, things aren't perfect, but I guess they're better than they have been. I finally managed to get married a couple of years ago after going through a couple of decades of abject solitude. (Then again, are we surprised this guy had trouble getting dates?) Really, though, I should be grateful. If things hadn't happened the way they did, I probably wouldn't have met up with Mrs. The Jim, and I can't fathom anyone out there better suited to put up with my crap.

We don't have kids yet, which sometimes gets me down. I may have my math wrong, but I believe my mom and dad managed to have 4 kids before they hit 30. It'll happen, eventually. I just hate the idea of being the 85-year-old dad dropping off his kids at elementary school. (No, I don't tend to exaggerate. Whatever do you mean?) More than anything, I suppose I'm just anxious to have kids so that it's socially acceptable for me to have comic books, video games, and cartoons all over the house. (As it stands now, I probably get a couple of Man Points deducted.)

I'm not sure what The Wife has planned. She typically goes overboard on gifts, so I could end up with anything from a gold-plated Porsche to a giant, diamond-encrusted monogram. Really, I'd be happy with just going to dinner and hanging out with a couple of peeps. (Well, that & Rock Band 2.)

I'm sure that once a week or two has passed, I'll completely forget all about my birthday as I get wrapped back up in the everyday drudgery that we all have to battle.

Anyway, I'm not sure where all this was going ... seems more like random, stream-of-consciousness ramble than anything else. So, on that wacky note, here's a picture of a guy in a pig outfit running through the forest:


Until next time,
The Jim

Holiday Review Extravaganza Part II: The Craigslist Chronicles

During the holidays, my sister-in-law came to stay with us for a couple of weeks. While she was here, our disposal stopped working.

Please note that I have not, in fact, stated that she broke the disposal. Despite the fact that she has a long history of breaking or destroying my wife's things, apparently it is completely beyond the pale for me to imply or insinuate in any fashion that my sister-in-law was responsible.

She also didn't break a dish. That was the dog's fault. Or so I am obliged to believe.

Regardless, the disposal needed to be replaced. The thing was old and somewhat rusty, so I wasn't overly heartbroken about it. The big problem, of course, is that we're still pretty broke while Mrs. The Jim completes her edu-ma-cation.

I found a couple of models online at the standard locations (Lowes, Home Depot, etc.). Unfortunately, none of these stores were giving away free disposals. I then decided to broaden my search in an attempt to find a local store that sold those kind of appliances at a discount. I searched for "garbage disposals in Dallas", and I ended up finding a Craigslist entry.

Now I've never used Craigslist, but I was familiar with the concept. Essentially, it's just a giant, online classified ad site. Ads are grouped by areas, so that you can find out if anyone in Dallas has a Schwinn for sale, or if someone in Los Angeles is offering guitar lessons. We have some friends who have had some success with it in Philadelphia, but I've never tried to mess with it.

So, I find this listing titled GARBAGE DISPOSAL BAGER (5). Now, In-Sink-Erator's garbage disposal model is called a badger, not a bager (that should have tipped me off right there), but I followed along. The listing has since expired, so I'll just have to summarize:

BAGER (5), One @60 each, BUILDERS SPECIAL four or more @$40 each. Call John @ ###-###-####.

The listing included two pictures of the units in untouched, unopened boxes. Now, I didn't know if this guy was a contractor who was stuck with too much inventory, or if he was a guy who stole something from a store or job site. All I knew was that a disposal that normally retailed for about $110 to $120 (after taxes) was available for $60. Worst case scenario would be I'd get ripped off and have learned a valuable lesson.

The next day (my first day back at work), I decided to call the guy and get the thing. Below, Gentle Readers, is my play-by-play summary of that process:

Jan 6 (Tues) @ 3:45 PM: I contact John. He is in the middle of something and can not speak. He will call me first thing Wednesday morning.
Jan. 7 (first thing Wednesday morning): John doesn't call.
Jan. 7 @ 10:45 AM: I call John. He asks me where my office is located. He notes that he's driving around all day for work (lends credence to the contractor theory). He supposedly passes by my office multiple times daily. He will call me next time he comes by this area.
Jan. 7 @ 3:45 PM: John calls and asks when I leave work. I inform him that I leave at 5:30. He says he will stop at my office before then, and we can make the deal then; however, he may be a little later than 5:30. I inform him that I can stay at work late.
Jan. 7 @ 6:30 PM: No word from John. I call and get his voice mail. I inform him that I'm leaving, and that we'll just handle it on another day.
Jan. 7 @ 7:15 PM: John calls me back. He asks if I am Stephen (I have no idea where he got that name), and asks if I'm still by the office. I tell him I'm almost home, in the beautiful burg of McKinney. This is fortuitous, according to John, as he is currently in Frisco (roughly 30 minutes away). John has to wrap some things up, and then he will head down Highway 121 and meet me. He will call me when he starts that direction, and we'll find a place to meet.
Jan. 7 @ 7:35 PM: I am now a little leery of John, and have no desire to have him come to my house. Instead of going straight home, I head towards Frisco on Highway 121, and wait in a parking lot at the western edge of McKinney.
Jan. 7 @ 7:50 PM: John has not called. I call his number to no avail. I decide to head back home and wait for his phone call.
Jan. 8 (Thursday) @ 9:00 AM: John, after failing to call the previous night, gives me a call. He apologizes for the mix-up, and offers to take $10 off the price, now making the total cost $50! He will give me a call whenever he is in my area.
Jan. 8 @ 12 noon: My boss is in the office from the Corporate HQ, and has decided that all of us (three total) will go out to lunch. We all ride together.
Jan. 8 @ 12:15 PM: John calls and asks if I'm at the office right now. I inform him that I'm at lunch, and unable to get back to the office. John will call me back around 2:00 and we'll set something up.
Jan. 8 @ 2:00 PM: Nothing happens.
Jan. 8 @ 5:30 PM: Still nothing has happened. I go home.
Jan. 9 (Friday) @ 9:30 AM: I call John, and get his voicemail.
Jan. 9 @ 12 noon: John calls me back. I inform him that I will be out of the office for the rest of the day. (On Fridays, I only work until 11:30, as it's my half-day.) Since I am mobile, I can drive wherever and meet him. He asks me my current location, and I let him know I'm heading home to eat lunch with my wife. He tells me he is currently well south of me. He asks that I call him back whenever I get back in his area.
Jan. 9 @ 1:55 PM: I am roughly 5 minutes away from my office location, so I call John. He tells me he will call me back in 20 minutes, and we'll set something up.
Jan. 9 @ 2:40 PM: John has not called, so I call him back. He is at someone's house, and is trying to head out. He will call me in the next few minutes. (Bear in mind, he still does not comprehend that I can DRIVE TO WHEREVER HE IS.)
Jan. 9 @ 3:05 PM: I have gone to Wal-Mart to pick up some shaving cream and razors, which I was lacking. I have driven back to the parking lot of my office. At this point, I realize the Friday drive-home traffic will pick up shortly, and I will be stuck in a mess. I head back home, determined to never contact John again.
Jan. 9 (Sat.) @ 10:30 AM: I decide to bite the bullet and just go buy a disposal. Mrs. The Jim looks online, and Lowes is having a one-day sale. The exact disposal I was going to purchase from John is on sale for $80.

This, to me, is where the story has taken a Twilight Zone twist. I ended up getting a pretty good deal on the disposal, and with a much better model than I originally owned. If I had not gone through that week-long, crappy debacle, I would have just bought a disposal and never known about the sale. Without meaning to do so, John's incessant delays actually saved me money. Weird how things work, huh?

So, in summary ... Craigslist can really save you money ... even if the seller won't actually let you make the purchase. (Plus, I hear people hook up for Sexy Time on the site, too!) What a deal!

Until next time,
The Jim