I am so behind! I have zero free time now. I'm so freaking tired!
It's been brought to my attention that I've yet to make any progress on producing customized artwork, as promised. Also, I've been a bit behind on posting, as I haven't even bothered to write anything about the vacation to San Antonio (in summary - it was nice).
Unfortunately, I have little excuse except that I'm insanely busy. Currently, I'm moonlighting at a second job. The arrangement has worked out pretty well so far, but I'm still only in the first week of it. Between that and the multiple financial wranglings I've had to deal with in the past couple of weeks (don't ask), it's been hectic.
I'll get back into a routine relatively soon. Until then, though, I'll probably be more sporadic than I'd like on the site. Eventually, though, I'll pull things together so that I can again bring you the high level of journalism you've come to expect.
There are few moments in a man's life when he can point to a major milestone and say, "Yes! I achieved the impossible! I am greatness!" Today, however, I'm glad to share with you one of those moments. Today, you see, I'm happy to announce that ...
... I TIED THE BOW TIE!!
True, it's still a little lopsided. True, I've yet to recreate this feat. And yes, it's true my face and neck are probably way too fat for that little tie.
But that's not the point! I managed to do something extremely difficult without any guidance. Say what you will, but I'm proud of this one.
I'll admit it ... I've been pretty down recently. The summer heat has been brutal locally. I haven't been sleeping well at all, so I'm constantly tired. Work has been a real grind of late, and the air conditioning at the office has been almost completely ineffective. My wife's been under the weather, so that sucks.
But today, my friends ... today I have a little more spring in my step. Today, the sun doesn't seem quite so ruthless. The birds seem to be less interested in crapping all over my front door and more interested in gently singing. Even my muggy office seems less trying.
I'll go ahead and let that sink in for a minute ...
...
...
... are we ready? OK, then.
For all you philistines who are clueless as to the greatness of this news, The State was a comedy sketch show on MTV that ran from 1993 to 1995. It was groundbreaking, and I still consider it among the top comedy/sketch shows ever. It had a bunch of guys you've seen before, but no one that ever became a giant star or anything.
Some of my personal favorite memories of that show:
Louie: Typical Saturday-Night-Live-humor is to develop a character, give him some stupid catch phrase, and then run it into the ground. The State countered with Louie - a guy who ONLY uttered his catchphrase. Everyone thought he was hilarious for carrying around 2 golf balls, identifying something, and then saying, "I wanna dip my balls in it!" It's the "Isn't that special?" -"Whatcha Talkin' 'Bout Willis?" - "Schwing!" - "I'm crushing your head." sketch taken to its ultimate.
Fan Names: This one was pretty stupid, but for some reason it stuck with me. Apparently, the crew and writers were inundated with requests for them to slip fans' names into sketches. So, they decided to take care of every request at once by creating a two-minute sketch that crammed every name they could in there. I don't know why I still remember this - I guess it just seemed like the kind of stupid thing I would have done if I had a TV show.
$240 Worth of Pudding: This is the ultimate The State sketch. Anyone who ever saw the show - and even some who didn't - saw it and loved it. Take two guys dressed as bad lounge singers, smooth R&B music, a red velvet backdrop, and an insane amount of tapioca pudding. Then let the magic happen! It’s something so funny that I still could watch it 5 times a day and never be sick of it.
Seriously, they used the line "whisper some sweet nuthings to this puddin'" on TV! How awesome is that?
There's been a demand for this for quite a while, but MTV is notoriously slow with putting things out on DVD. Now, however, we finally get to watch it all, and I fully suggest each and every one of you go purchase a copy.
Now, if only MTV would go ahead and release the full run of Sifl and Olly ... but that's probably too much to ask.
Item #1: Last month was my two-year wedding anniversary, and as Miss Manners would tell you, the traditional gift is cotton. Mrs. The Jim decided to stretch that to cover all forms of cloth, and she got my something I'd specifically requested: a football jersey.
As I've mentioned previously, I didn't follow sports as a kid, so I never really had any desire to own a jersey. I don’t know why I wanted one all of the sudden – I guess I just thought I needed something special for game day. Now, my favorite team, regardless of sport, is the alma mater. Maybe it's because that's when I started to follow sports, or maybe it's because of how much fun I had during college, but Texas A&M tops my list of athletics interest.
When making the request, I thought about asking for a #1 A&M basketball jersey, or maybe a baseball jersey from any one of a number of guys; however, I settled on the maroon #9 of my favorite football player: Dat Nguyen.
Dat was not the first Vietnamese-American football player, but he was the first one to ever play in the NFL. Needless to say, the name Nguyen stood out on a program. More importantly, though, he was seemingly a really good guy who was ALWAYS around the football. As a linebacker, he was slow, undersized, and short, yet he made plays. My buddies and I called him Shaolin, because we were sure he had special powers beyond mortal men. OK, maybe it was a bit lazy giving an Asian guy a nickname based on Kung Fu, but so be it.
Now, I'm fully aware it's pretty lame for a grown man to want a football jersey as a gift, but I still think it's an awesome present. I'm looking forward to breaking it out next season, as my boys boldly strive towards another 4-7 season. (We pretty much suck these days.) It'll be even better once Mrs. The Jim gets out of school and gets a job, so we could actually afford to go to a game or two.
Item #2: One of my wife's friends from nursing school is getting married in August. As we all know, my last summer wedding was when I broke out my seersucker jacket. Once I found out about this event, I knew I needed to break out the jacket again; however, I'm not one to just stand pat. No, I'm always looking to improve.
After a bit of thought, I decided what I needed to put my summer wedding ensemble over the top: a bow tie!! So, a couple of weeks ago, I went to the Brooks Brothers outlet store and picked up a classy blue-and-gold striped number. The wife was with me, but surprisingly enough, she was not as impressed as I. In fact, I believe she uttered the line, "I'm so embarrassed right now that I married you."
Well, here's the problem: I still haven't figured out how to tie this thing. I mean, watch this:
Did you follow that? So far, the closest I can get is just a random assortment of cloth bunched near my Adam's Apple. I'm hoping I can figure it out through practice, but it's way more complicated than I realized.
Item #3: I'm still obsessed with my attempts to complete Lego Batman. I've only got 3.7% left in the game, but it's taking me forever to get through this last little bit, especially when I'm trying as hard as possible to avoid using the internet to cheat. (Alas, I've done so on some rare, difficult occasions.)
As a break from that task, I recently downloaded Mike Tyson's Punch Out for the old NES. I never owned a NES, so I don't have much experience with the game. Right now, I'm pretty much stuck on Great Tiger (who I can occasionally beat) and Bald Bull (who I can't even touch).
One of the cool things about the Wii is that you can download a plethora of old video games for rather cheap. I've got Zelda (which I just can't figure out), and my wife has Super Mario 3 (she's a master of that one). Unfortunately, there's still one game that has been wrongfully omitted from their available titles: the pure majesty that is Pro Wrestling.
During high school, I used to drive out to the home of Will (The Official Best Man of The Jim) and just hang out. Often, we'd break out his old NES and play Pro Wrestling for hours. I loved playing Giant Panther, because he had the Iron Claw as one of his special moves. Will was far better at the game, and he used to love to use Fighter Hayabusa so he could kill me with the incredibly difficult Back Brain Kick. King Slender was super easy to use ... The Amazon was awesome because he would cheat and hit guys with a pipe ... seriously, I could go on like this for days. I loved this game!
I have looked everywhere for a place to request that Nintendo get off their asses and put this game out for download, but no such venue currently exists. This might require a personal letter to their head of development. Of course, I haven't been inundated with those Henry Kissinger ads for Dr. Pepper, so that may not be all that successful either.
As you know, the First Annual Crappy Art-a-Thon concluded on July 4. I'm sure everyone is waiting with baited breath to find out the results.
Well, I can officially announce that the increased website membership didn't exactly meet our goals. As of today, we currently have a grand total of seven (7) members. This is a 0% increase from last month. For those of you with mediocre math skills, that's not exactly a sterling result.
Apparently, having some random dude send you trash was not exactly the enticement I expected. Or maybe I made the minor blunder of a trying to drum up support on a site no one reads ... BY POSTING CONTENT ON A SITE NO ONE READS! Now, I'm no marketing guru, but I might see a problem there.
Don't worry, though ... this isn't the stupidest thing I've ever done. Hell, it probably doesn't make the Top 50 list. It certainly doesn't surpass the time I tried out for school mascot, or the time I threw a baseball bat straight up in the air and then LOOKED UP as it plummeted towards my forehead. It's not even close to the time I wandered onto a strange bus in Mexico without any idea as to where it was going. I'm still surprised I didn't end up in some Mexican sweatshop making crappy T-shirts for visiting gringos.
Regardless of the results, I am a man of my word! I stated that all current members would get their own artwork, and you certainly shall ... whether you want it or not! Soon, you'll receive an automated e-mail asking for your preferred artwork theme. Please make sure to respond, otherwise I'll be forced to make something up.
(Or I could just give you a call. It's not like I don't know all of you people personally.)
I break apart that chair! The plants become a green truck. Where is the last piece?
(Composed as I try to complete the last 12.2% of Lego Batman. I'm SO close!)
Until next time, The Jim Time is running out, my friends!! When July 4 rolls around, the deadline for the Crappy Artwork Pledge Drive will come to an end.
Take the time right now to sign up for the Mailing List. If you prefer, just send me an e-mail at PollutionMachine[at]gmail[dot]com and tell me what fantastic piece of crap you'll require.
Dat was not the first Vietnamese-American football player, but he was the first one to ever play in the NFL. Needless to say, the name Nguyen stood out on a program. More importantly, though, he was seemingly a really good guy who was ALWAYS around the football. As a linebacker, he was slow, undersized, and short, yet he made plays. My buddies and I called him 
After a bit of thought, I decided what I needed to put my summer wedding ensemble over the top: a bow tie!! So, a couple of weeks ago, I went to the Brooks Brothers outlet store and picked up a classy blue-and-gold striped number. The wife was with me, but surprisingly enough, she was not as impressed as I. In fact, I believe she uttered the line, "I'm so embarrassed right now that I married you."
As a break from that task, I recently downloaded 
During high school, I used to drive out to the home of Will (The Official Best Man of The Jim) and just hang out. Often, we'd break out his old NES and play Pro Wrestling for hours. I loved playing Giant Panther, because he had the Iron Claw as one of his special moves. Will was far better at the game, and he used to love to use Fighter Hayabusa so he could kill me with the incredibly difficult Back Brain Kick. King Slender was super easy to use ... The Amazon was awesome because he would cheat and hit guys with a pipe ... seriously, I could go on like this for days. I loved this game!
I have looked everywhere for a place to request that Nintendo get off their asses and put this game out for download, but no such venue currently exists. This might require a personal letter to their head of development. Of course, I haven't been inundated with those 
