Haikus are easy To write. I'd write them all day, But they don't pay well.
(Amen to that!)
Until next time, The Jim Don't forget, time's running out to sign up for your very own Official Pollution Machine Crappy Artwork. Either send me an email at PollutionMachine[at]gmail[dot]com, or sign up for the Mailing List.
First of all, I would like to congratulate you and your company for continued success through these tough economic times. While I have no expertise in your field, I would assume that the soft drink market is one steeped in brand loyalty, and I can certainly imagine it is difficult to compete with two giant corporate empires, not to mention the scores of smaller companies. Regardless, it would appear that you continue to bring fresh approaches and original ideas to the design and marketing of your products, such as Snapple and Dr. Pepper.
It is in regard to the current advertising campaign for Dr. Pepper that I write to you today. I feel your "Trust Me, I'm a Doctor!" campaign is quite ingenious. It combines an original approach with a sense of nostalgia, which I imagine is a "home run" in the advertising field. The choices for the "doctors" have also been entertaining, as they've ranged from witty (Dr. Frasier Crane) to just plain cool (Dr. J). But then ...
Gene Simmons? Really? First of all, it doesn't even make any sense. Nobody calls Gene Simmons "Dr. Love" - it's just a song he wrote. Plus, "Dr. Love" is somewhere around the 15th best KISS song ever. You wouldn't feature David Bowie in an ad and call him "The Man Who Sold the World," would you? Even ignoring the fact that Gene Simmons is a pompous ass, his use in this ad campaign seems like a major reach!
True, you came back with Dr. Dre, which I thought made sense, but that ad left me pretty flat as well. Dre seemed like he was just there to promote his new album. He certainly took himself too seriously for an inherently silly series of ads. Personally, I feel that you need to "right this ship" before your advertising campaign fades away into oblivion.
The following are some examples of other "doctors" I feel would be fantastic additions to your campaign. I haven't fully fleshed these ideas out, so there may be some prohibitive concerns; however, I think ideas like these are what you need to invigorate your campaign.
Dr. Frankenstein:
First of all, the good news: it's a public domain character from the 19th century! You can use Frankenstein whenever and wherever you want, and Mary Shelley's estate gets NOTHING! Of course, there have been hundreds of interpretations, but I think the portrayal most popular in the current culture would be Gene Wilder's Young Frankenstein. I haven't seen Gene Wilder in much of anything recently, so you could probably get him for pretty cheap. True, this might require some compensation to Mel Brooks, but I can't imagine it'd be any more than what you had to shell out to the Frasier people. (As I said, I'm no expert in the field. I'm sure you have some highly qualified intellectual property lawyers who can work these issues out.)
You could tie in the 23 flavors in Dr. Pepper as being analogous to the multiple body parts used to create the "creature." (I'm just brainstorming here; you'll need some writers to flesh this one out.) You would probably want to include an Igor-like character, or even have Teri Garr reprise her role as well. (I'd also note that Teri Garr isn't exactly all over TV these days either, so you can probably get her as well.)
Dr. Hannibal Lecter:
It's my impression that classically-trained, British actors seem to be much less pretentious and self-aggrandizing than American "method actors". People like Dame Judy Dench and Patrick Stewart seem to have a real sense of humor about themselves, and I think Sir Anthony Hopkins is in that same vein. True, it seems crazy to think a knight would do an ad for a soft drink, but who would have thought Orson Welles would appear in Transformers: The Movie?
You could have Hannibal in his Plexiglas cell from Silence of the Lambs, turning around slowly to address the camera. He'd say something like, "As anyone knows, I'm a connoisseur of good taste. Exquisite artwork, fine wines, gourmet ... foods. [LONG, creepy pause before "foods", just to emphasize the whole cannibalism thing.] This could be a real hit.
Dr. Henry Kissinger:
I believe this one is extremely promising, as no one will see it coming. This man won a Nobel Prize, for goodness sake! I believe, however, that Dr. Kissinger is a pretty funny guy, and if approached properly, would be willing to make a commercial as long as it was a fun experience.
A potential line would be, "A true diplomat knows how difficult it can be to bring together two parties. It takes patience, time, dedication. But to bring 23 different flavors together, plus even a kiss of cherry ... well, that's truly amazing. Trust me, I'm a doctor!" I can just envision him now with that funky accent. Personally, I think the accent is what would make the ad ... never underestimate the comedy potential of a funny accent!!
I really think this one could be historic. Of course, there's a slight drawback in that there are some extremists on the political front who have it out for him, but I think that group would be extremely small, especially now that the presidential administration is more to their liking. Besides, if you're willing to put someone as potentially controversial as Gene Simmons in your campaign, I'm willing to bet Henry Kissinger won't upset you too much.
As an aside, you should probably avoid Neil Patrick Harris, as he's already portrayed Doogie Howser in an Old Spice ad. You should also probably avoid all of the Scrubs guys, as I don't think that show has the widespread appeal that you're trying to capture.
Anyway, that's all I've got right now. If you like those, I can probably come up with some more. Don't worry about compensation, either. I just think it'd be cool to see these commercials on the air. If you want to use any of them, just send me some Diet Dr. Pepper and we'll be cool. (I'm trying to drop a few pounds, so no regular Dr. Pepper for me.)
Until next time, The Jim
Special thanks to my main man Brian, who brainstormed most of the above items with me. Henry Kissinger, by the way, was his personal favorite.
Tomorrow, Mrs. The Jim and I embark on our summer/anniversary trip. I rarely take time off from work, and we rarely have any money to do anything, so a while ago we decided to save up for a decent trip. When it came time to plan it, though, it turned out we hadn't really saved all that much. So, we're leaving tomorrow to go all the way to ...
True, it's not exactly far away or exotic, but I think it'll end up being fun. Regardless, it's almost assuredly going to be more enjoyable than our last summer trip to the extraordinarily forgettable town of Oklahoma City. (WHAT WAS I THINKING?)
We've got a nice hotel on the River Walk. I'm sure we'll go see the Alamo again, and we're tentatively planning on visiting Fiesta Texas. After that, we'll spend a couple of days 30 minutes away in New Braunfels, as we'll be going to Schlitterbahn, the world's largest and most famous water park. I'm not really a water park fan, and two days sounds like way too long for a normal water resort; however, anyone who has been there can tell you that Schlitterbahn is just that kick-ass!
I'll try to post some from the road, but in all honestly, I doubt that will happen. Regardless, I'm sure I'll have plenty of pictures from the trip. Plus, I have an innate ability to attract futility, so I'm sure this trip will go wrong somewhere along the way - and when it does, I'll be sure to report the gory details.
Until next time, The Jim Don't forget to get your entry in for the Crappy Art-A-Thon. All it takes is an e-mail to PollutionMachine[at]gmail[dot]com, or just sign up for the Mailing List.
Time is running out, and once we hit the deadline, you'll have to find another source for a finger-painting depicting the time Mr. Spock knocked out Wolverine. (Yes, that actually happened in a comic. And yes, it's as stupid as it sounds.)
First of all, a little reminder out there for my peeps: please make sure, if you haven't already, to sign up for the Mailing List. Also, go ahead and contact me over at PollutionMachine[at]gmail[dot]com and let me know what you'd like to see over here, and what theme you'd like for your art project..
And, if you're so inclined, make sure to tell your friends, neighbors, and any random hobos about the ongoing Crappy Art-A-Thon. Of course, contacting your friendly neighborhood hobo may not be particularly productive, unless your town has one of those WiFi-Compatable Hobos.
Last week, I had to go to Arlington for work. This gave me a chance to revisit A-Town, so I thought I'd provide some additional thoughts above and beyond my last trip.
I had previously mentioned that Arlington is the home of the new Cowboys Stadium, a massive, super-expensive facility that will likely be the most state-of-the-art sporting venue for the next 15 years or so. I had driven near the stadium a number of times. From a distance, it just looks like any other stadium. The work assignment, however, had me quite close to the place, and I was blown away!
Here's a pic I took, which doesn't do it justice at all.
(Click above to truly marvel in the stadium-sized goodness!)
First of all, it just looks awesome. While you can't get a sense of scale from that picture, I think it certainly displays how sleek, modern, and almost spaceship-like the thing is. As soon as I drove up to it, I immediately started to make some calls. I've got an inside source (husband-to-the-friend-of-the-wife) that was involved in the engineering on that job, and I'm hoping to get a tour of the place before it's completely finished.
Normally, that would be enough to make my day; however, even better aesthetic greatness awaited me. As is well documented, I have a strong appreciation for gaudy lawn sculptures. Well, what should I see as I'm strolling around but ...
That, my friends, is a concrete eagle. No, it's not particularly imposing or really even that gaudy. I mean, it's not like these people coupled that with a fake Venus de Milo on the other side of their yard. Oh, well that's MUCH better! As one can tell from that blurry blow-up picture, that really classed up the joint. As far as I'm concerned, it's like I'm back at the British Museum.
All in all, it was a nice day. I was walking through some neighborhood taking pictures of roads. True, it wasn't the greatest area in the world, but I certainly didn't see any reason to be worried.
Except for that!
Nice to know my job affords me the opportunity to travel stroll along through areas that are so warm and inviting that they actually had to invent a road sign to warn people about the gangs. While I'm at it, maybe I should just write back to Sgt. Dillon and see if I can work with him over in Iraq.
So, in summary, Arlington has a kick-ass stadium, crappy art ornaments, and gang-infested neighborhoods. Hmm ... maybe they should put that sentence on their Chamber of Commerce literature.
As noted yesterday, The Remarkable Pollution Machine has now surpassed one year of existence. In that one year, we have ...
...
...
... accomplished nothing! No regular schedule - no consistent theme - no real reason for existence (unless you count weekly displays of woeful poetry). So, I've decided to use this occasion to make some improvements, as well as attempt to drum up some interest.
The improvements are going to be pretty minor, at least to start. First of all, comments no longer require my approval before they're posted. I'm sure it's less entertaining to tell me I'm an idiot if you then must wait another 4 hours for me to aloow it.
Also, we're officially announcing the site's new e-mail address:
PollutionMachine [at] gmail [dot] com
(FYI, I listed the e-mail address that way so that automated SpyBots won't pick up the address and inundate me with crap. Just a little tip for the peeps out there.)
Please feel free to e-mail me with questions, comments, or ideas for future submissions. Between the comments and the site's e-mail, I want the public to feel involved here at The Machine. I mean, it's not just MY blog about random things that only interest me.
No, I like to think of this as OUR blog about random things that only interest me. Take some ownership, people!
I've also decided to maybe spruce up the site layout a bit ... maybe even change the logo. Of course, I'm a little torn - I don't know if I want to get rid of the two random old dudes (FYI - I've started calling them "Uncle Ed" and "Big Pete".)
Now, in order to drum up readership, I've decided to borrow from a knowledgeable source: PBS! They've got the concept of begging down to a science, and I've determined the use a two-pronged assault: guilt trips and free stuff.
First of all, the guilt ...
I don't ask you people for much. You don't have to pay anything for this wisdom. Do you realize the torment and effort that goes in to every word? I didn't think so, you selfish bastards!
Listen, I'm fully willing to publicly humiliate myself on a regular basis, with full knowledge that this will come back and haunt me someday. All I ask is that you at least provide me with the illusion that someone is paying attention.
To that end, please make sure you've signed up for the Mailing List. (There's also a link at the top of the page.) It helps to ensure you always know when this Tome of Greatness gets updated, and it gives me some idea of who's out there. And for the security-conscious out there, the only person who has access to the list is The Jim. I don't even let Mrs. The Jim take a peak ... that's how much I value your privacy. So sign up, won't you?
But maybe you're more interested in free stuff? Well sit tight, Barbarino, because The Remarkable Pollution Machine is happy to announce:
THE FIRST ANNUAL CRAPPY ART-A-THON
That's right, folks. Every person who joins up on the mailing list will get a hand-crafted piece of custom artwork from yours truly!! Will it be a Certified Man Card, or a Blog Topic Flowchart? It's all up to you!
(A typical example of my fine work!)
Either send me an e-mail, or post a comment below, and tell me what you'd like to see. I'll use the topic, select a style of art, and roll with it. After I'm done, I'll get your address and mail to you - FREE OF CHARGE - your award-winning, original piece of crap!
Will I end up using glitter glue and macaroni to depict the Battle of Hastings? Will I use MS Paint and construction paper to depict the theme of ennui? Will I make a collage of butt cheeks? Who knows? But if you sign up now, that butt cheek collage could be yours!!
For those of you already on the list, don't worry ... you're already getting your art. If you've been hesitating to sign up, or if you know someone who would appreciate badly drawn doodles, than get thee to the Mailing List. The official cut-off date for the Crappy Art-A-Thon is July 4, so get moving.
Yesterday, I received an exciting and heartfelt e-mail. I thought I'd share it with you:
Subject: NEEDED URGENTLY Well, you've definitely got my attention.
From: SGT.NELSON DILLON (dmdesigns@cox.net) I would have thought a military guy would have used his military e-mail address, but what do I know? Let's hear this fellow out.
My name is Sgt Nelson Dillon, serving in the Engineering military unit in Ba'qubah in Iraq. Hey, what a coincidence! I'm an engineer as well.
As you know, we are being attacked by insurgents everyday and car bombings. Well, if my career has taught me anything, poor grammar is standard practice for engineers, so he certainly seems legitimate.
we found some money here in Baqubah in Iraq, Wait a second ...
and We want to move this money out of iraq ... this sounds familiar ...
to a reputable/sincere person for investment purposes. We plan on using diplomatic means to shipping the money out as military cargo, using diplomatic immunity ... I've seen this movie. Three Kings! It was surprisingly great, and I don't even care for George Clooney that much.
This is the reason for contacting you. OK, this doesn't sound right at all. The whole point of this plan is to secretly sneak money out. Why would you tell some random stranger?
Once the funds get to you,take your 30% out and keep our own 70%.. Oh, that's why.
The only thing we require from you is just for you to help us find a safe place where the funds can be sent to,because Iraq is a war zone. Well, I'm no expert, but I imagine there are plenty of ways. I mean, the UN certainly has a reputation for embezzling money, so maybe you can find your nearest "peace keeper." Then again, maybe I should just give him my bank account information? I mean, how could I not trust a U.S. Army Sergeant?
If you are interested get back for more details. Thanks, Sgt Nelson. Oh, I'll definitely be in touch! FREE MONEY, BABY! What can go wrong?
It's good to know that in these hard economic times, con men aren't just resting on their laurels. No, they're not just pretending to be a Nigerian prince or a British attorney for a fictional lottery. Now they're swiping plots from blockbuster Hollywood films. Way to keep ahead of the curve, scam artists!
I'm just curious, though - is this the start of a trend? Will I soon get other such e-mails?
From; Doc Brown Greetings, sir. I have traveled from teh future using a flex capacitar. I am contacting you, because I need your help to use my future knowledge to make it rich so we can "Save the Clock Tower!" Just send me $20,000US, and I will use my Sports Almanac to make us wealthy. All I ask is to keep 30%. Contact me if you are interested.
Or how about this one:
Subject: ON A SEARCH From: Sauron@darklord.netspeak.com
My friend! It has just come to my attention that a valuable piece of property has been dicovered. My ring whichwas illegally stolen from me will enable me to take a prime position in the market.
Unfortunately, I am having trouble retreinving it. I have a swarm of employees, but they are little skilled at collection. Also, I only have one eye, so my depth perception is bad.This is wher you can help. If you will just provide me with $33,000, I will be able to properly fund my search.for your share in our venture, you will be awarded 60% stake in all future earnings, as well as a "I won't slaughter your children" guarantee. I think you for your time. Please contact me for more details. Sauron D. Lord MORDOR HOLDINGS LTD.
Dr. Frankenstein:
Dr. Hannibal Lecter:
Dr. Henry Kissinger:
As an aside, you should probably avoid Neil Patrick Harris, as he's already portrayed Doogie Howser in an Old Spice ad. You should also probably avoid all of the Scrubs guys, as I don't think that show has the widespread appeal that you're trying to capture.
As noted yesterday, The Remarkable Pollution Machine has now surpassed one year of existence. In that one year, we have ...
Now, in order to drum up readership, I've decided to borrow from a knowledgeable source: PBS! They've got the concept of begging down to a science, and I've determined the use a two-pronged assault: guilt trips and free stuff.
to a reputable/sincere person for investment purposes. We plan on using diplomatic means to shipping the money out as military cargo, using diplomatic immunity
The only thing we require from you is just for you to help us find a safe place where the funds can be sent to,because Iraq is a war zone.
Unfortunately, I am having trouble retreinving it. I have a swarm of employees, but they are little skilled at collection. Also, I only have one eye, so my depth perception is bad.This is wher you can help.
