It's the Most Punching-est Time of the Year!

Pop quiz, hot shot!

This example of Santa Claus Bad-Assery can be explained by:

1. Batman has dressed up as Santa to stop a ring of theives;


2. A futuristic Santa-bot protects these innocent waifs; or


3. Santa is actually a New York grandma who used to fight crime by wearing longjohns, oven mitts, and a cooking pot on her head!

Glad we cleared that up!

Until next time,
The Jim

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Ma Hunkel and other such whackiness can be found in JSA #7 (Princes of Darkness), including an ex-heavyweight boxer who dresses up as a kitty cat to punch bad guys.
Merry Christmas, my peeps!

Old Ass Reviews: 24 Hour Party People

When we moved to the new house, we got a good offer on the cable that included a DVR. I’ve never had one, so I’ve probably gone a little overboard by recording tons of things I could probably do without. In particular, I’ll often find myself recording movies off of IFC, Ovation, or other such networks. They’ll often be flicks of which I’ve never heard, but the title or one-sentence description sounds cool to me. Of course, this also means I have a backlog of about 15 movies to watch, but so be it.

Recently, I got around to watching the 2002 movie 24 Hour Party People. It follows the Manchester music scene through the 1980’s and 1990’s by following the story of Tony Wilson, a small-time British TV personality who became the founder of Factory Records.

I really enjoyed this movie for 3 distinct reasons. First of all, the subject is cool as hell. That Manchester scene was at the center of two music explosions during my high school & college years. First, there was the whole post-Punk, college radio, underground British music scene. Joy Division, Stone Roses, James, Happy Mondays, The Smiths … they all came out of that scene, and most of them were part, at some point, of Factory Records. You know the song Blue Monday by New Order?


Well, that was the greatest selling single in the history of the UK (and since no one releases singles any more, that title is probably safe). As you saw, that was also known as FAC 73, Factory Record’s goofy way of numbering everything from posters to dance clubs to a cat.

As a mea culpa, I’ll admit I was not nearly that musically nuanced as a high school kid. I didn't get hooked on that genre until college, when Chris (The Official College Roommate of The Jim) gave me the 411. I remember listening to a Best of New Order tape in my old Chevy Caprice for about 2 months straight, and one of the first CD’s I ever bought was Technique.

Of slightly lesser interest to me was that Manchester also served as one of the epicenters for the whole rave movement in the 1990’s. Not exactly my thing, but I can enjoy it sparingly.

My point is that this one city in Britain helped usher in the concept of “the DJ is a star”, where now some of these guys are famous enough to start getting with celebrity starlets. More importantly, though, it helped usher in the second British Invasion of music. Bands like Keane, Coldplay, and Oasis all owe a debt to that period which revitalized a completely bland music scene in that country.

I also love the style of this movie. It’s told very metafictional and tongue-in-cheek. The guy playing Tony Wilson regularly breaks the 4th Wall. Actual participants show up in cameos to tell the audience that the script isn't accurate. The film is grainy like an old 70’s home video. The story occasionally glosses over parts about Wilson’s life, and then the character tells you that this is by design, as the real story is the music. It combines the style of an arthouse film with the comedic, relaxed feel of Monty Python.

That neat style really helps, because there’s SO much here that I didn’t understand. The movie assumes you not only understand British slang and references, but that you really know who all these people and bands are supposed to be. It would be easy to get lost in it all; however, it’s so well made that I was perfectly willing to go along for the ride.

That, by the way, was the third reason I liked this thing. So often, I watch these historical movies or biographies pretty much knowing the story, or at least having a solid understanding of the context and backdrop. In this case, though, I was CLUELESS! I had no idea how important Manchester was an epicenter to some of my favorite music genres. I had never heard of Factory Records, or The Hacienda, or any of it. After watching this thing, I’m really interested in learning more. There’s a new biopic about Ian Curtis from Joy Division that I’ll go out and rent soon. I’d love to find a detailed book or documentary about these people as well. I’m really intrigued by the whole thing.

Anyway, that’s it. If you like music, England, or drug-fueled hallucinations of God, than go out and find 24 Hour Party People. Unless you’re my main man Chris, you probably won’t get it all, but it’s still worth it!

Until next time,
The Jim

Old Ass Reviews: 10,000 BC

My wife and I decided to rent some flicks Thanksgiving weekend, which finally gave me the chance to see 10,000 BC. I never caught it in the theaters because I didn't think it held much promise. The video store, however, was pretty devoid of good choices over the holidays, so I thought I'd give it a shot.

Our story starts with some Ancient Eskimo-type/caveman-type guys living in a snow-covered valley in the mountains. The tribe lives off of hunting – especially mammoths. Eventually, some other peeps show up on horseback and kidnap pretty much everyone, including home dude’s love interest. So, our intrepid hero (D’Leh) heads after them with a few other hunters in tow.

These guys cross the mountain that no one has ever crossed, and end up in a jungle chased by Terror Birds. They push through that and end up in the grasslands. While there, our hero ends up in a tiger pit and happens to save a saber-toothed tiger. Later, he runs across a small village. The natives (ancient Bushmen, maybe?) are first agitated by the mighty Deee-Lite (or whatever his name is), but then they decide to follow him when the saber-tooth comes back to rescue him.

At this point, the flick is starting to sound like Beastmaster, but trust me ... it gets worse!

D-Man leads his ever growing army of Sub-Saharan tribes to the shores of the Nile. Apparently, the raiders on horseback have been taking slaves from everyone’s village and bringing them to Egypt. Our heroes just miss the boats, so of course they have to walk across the freaking Sahara to go after the slave boats. Eventually they make it, thanks to the fact that Heavy D is apparently the only guy who knows how the North Star works.

Thanks to his guidance, the army makes it to Egypt where … wait for it … the Egyptians are using FREAKING WOOLY MAMMOTHS TO BUILD GOLD-TOPPED PYRAMIDS!!! Eventually, there’s some random stupidity regarding a prophecy, and our hero manages to bring down the evil pharaoh using his Eskimo know-how and mammoth-hunting techniques (and I only wish I was making that up).

OK, there's a lot of things I can forgive with this anachronistic piece of floatsom. I can live with the gold-topped pyramids (even though such a load would be too heavy and impractical). Or the fact that Terror Birds died out well before humans made the scene. Or the fact that this movie happens well before the Pyramids were built (around 2540 BC). Or the fact that wooly mammoths are shown in Egypt, despite the fact that there’s NO WAY that happened! (Can you imagine wool-covered elephants surviving 5 minutes in the Sahara desert? Me neither!)

I’m willing to forgive all of this, if someone associated with this piece of crap could tell me: ON WHAT PLANET DOES THIS MOVIE TAKE PLACE? Just take a look at the following map of Africa:


OK, I see desert, grasslands, and jungle, but … where’s this freaking Himalaya-like mountain valley? Take a look at this crappy map where I've sketched out a possible route:


Working backwards, we finished up at the mouth of the Nile around Cairo. The army came from the South in a harrowing march across the desert. (OK, so far so good). Before that, they met the other tribes in the African grasslands. (Still with ya.) This of course was preceded by a trek through the dense jungle. (All good.) And right before that, we start our adventure in a high, snowy mountain valley with little to know sunlight or vegetation. (Well that seems - WHAT???)

There is no huge African mountain range. From what I can tell, maybe they started around Mt. Kilimanjaro, but that's just one peak sticking out of the savanna. I mean, look at that aerial view. Do you see any valleys or long mountain stretches? How hard is it to look at a map before you make a freaking movie?

While I was writing all this, I also thought of another problem with this movie: it’s racially condescending to an absurd level. The Egyptians have been taking thousands and thousands of these African tribal warriors as slaves for decades (maybe even centuries) and they're helpless to resist. As soon as one freaking white dude shows up from the magical Mt. Honky, however, they all unite to free their loved ones? Before Captain Caveman shows up with his incredible mammoth-hunting technology, these simple-minded Nubians couldn’t come up with the brilliant plan of THROW A SPEAR AT THE BAD GUY?

Obviously, this is a touchy subject. That's why I like to rely on my expert on race relations: Hooper X. What do you think, Hooper?

See that man right there?
He the Devil, understand? Never take your eyes off The Man!
Until next time,
The Jim

I'm a Multi-Site Superstar!

I was featured in a friend's blog today. Of course, by "featured" I mean he posted the following photo:

(Click above to see the original post.)

And to answer a question raised in the comments, that girl was, in fact, dancing with me. EVERYONE was dancing with me! I was a large, intoxicated fat man in Jamaica. In short, I was the life of the party!

Next time you're in the mood to read about the life of a doctor/musician/political junkie, make sure to check out my best man's blog over at: Will Maranto's World. He's just starting his site, and I'd be happy to lend the support of my 2 or 3 readers to his cause!

Until next time,
The Jim

What about Beige Saturday or Off-White Tuesday?

My wife and I decided to go out to do the Black Friday shopping. It’s not something I’ve ever done before, but I decided to go with it because:

1. We’re pretty broke, so any type of crazy savings are welcome;


2. She has a limited amount of time available for shopping due to school, so it was ideal to do this when she had a vacation; and


3. Our current schedules prevent us from spending much time together, so it was a chance for us to hang out.

We didn’t do anything crazy like get over to the mall at 1 AM or steal toys from someone else's cart. We just got up early, grabbed some breakfast, and then headed out to a mall near here.

My reaction to my first Black Friday shopping experience - IT SUCKS!! People are freaking insane when it comes to this stuff. Not only is every store crowded with rude, mindless people, but half of the places looked like they were looted in advance of a nuclear strike. Why do we have a run on toaster ovens or purses when you could have gotten the same stuff last week … or even 4 months ago? Are you telling me that these people not only just realized that we were actually holding Christmas this year, but also that Little Timmy just had to have that Tonka Truck or the entire reason for his existence would be called into question?

Check out this story from New York. Roughly 2,000 or so idiots had camped outside a Wal-Mart, and just had to get inside to get whatever craptastic gift they wanted. So, they did what any intelligent mob would do – they surged forward when the store opened at 5 AM and TRAMPLED THE WAL-MART GREETER TO DEATH. Two people were killed and others injured, included a pregnant woman. The force of the surge was so great that they knocked the doors off the hinges. Security cameras showed these lovely citizens as they would see the man lying on the floor, step right over him, and then run off to get the goods.

Now it’s easy to make a joke about New Yorkers or typical Wal-Mart patrons, but let’s be honest – are we shocked by this? Sure, it’s awful and outrageous, but that story could happen every freaking year, and no one would really be all that surprised. But more to the point – Wal-Mart? Really? I can understand if there was a special free give away at Bob’s Strip Club and Cure for Cancer Emporium, but this was Wal-Mart. Everything’s already cheap there, and it’s not like they’ve got wall-to-wall luxury items. Is it really worth some guy’s life to get a $2 discount on an off-brand blender?

Or how about this story from California? Apparently check-out at a Toys-R-Us ended in an insane gun battle which left 2 guys dead. The authorities stated this had nothing to do with the post-Thanksgiving shopping, but how does that make things better? People are now going into a TOY STORE with loaded weapons? Even if this shooting wasn’t Black Friday related, the next one surely will be.

Of course, it is nice that these guys remembered the true meaning of Christmas, when little baby Jesus demanded that everyone buy the best toy and kill all others in your way. It’s a beautiful story, when you think about it.

Why is Black Friday such a big deal? There are 365 days in a year – are we such mindless cattle that we only know to shop for Christmas gifts when the news reports tell us to do so? It seems to me you have to be a pretty crappy retailer if you depend on 1 day in late November to make sure you're profitable for the year. I just don’t get it, and I just don’t get the insane shoppers that are so absorbed in it.

All that said, though, I’m sure I’ll be right back out there next year. My wife refuses to shop online, and she loves to go out and make a day or two of Christmas shopping. We get to hang out, and that’s always good. I guess as long as I’m never camping out at 2 AM or fighting some woman over the last Street Fighter Barbie, I can live with annoying crowds once or twice a year.

Then again, Street Fighter Barbie does sound pretty awesome. Maybe it’d be worth it to punch some woman in the eye.


Until next time,
The Jim