Yet Another Lengthy Delay

I still haven't gotten the hang of forcing myself to post on a semi-regular basis. It takes more effort than one would think, especially given how beaten down I usually am at the end of the work day. (Did I mention work sucks today!)

I've got a wedding that I'll be attending this weekend, and while I'm not sure, it appears that it will be outside! In late July! In freaking North Texas! Seeing as we've hit triple-digits every day for weeks over here, and we're not expected to get any rain this entire month, it's probably going to be a little warm. I definitely have no desire to wear my wool suit or any other such attire. (I'm a fat guy that sweats profusely - no need to exacerbate things!)

Well, I went out running unrelated errands on Sunday, and had to go buy some belts. And that's when I saw it ...

You know, I own some pretty pimpin' things. I've got some gold, Elvis-style sunglasses with rose-colored lenses. I own the Tony Montana monogrammed Pimp Goblet. I even have two Dr. McNinja T-Shirts (one official, and one homemade). Sometimes, however, the pimpness just takes your breath away, and you must comply. And when the item is on sale for 60% below normal cost, you can't pass it up.

So now, I own a blue seersucker sports jacket! Tell me that don't kick some ass! I'll be nice and cool at the wedding, plus I'll look like Matlock. How is that not the coolest thing on the planet?

The only way things would be better is if I wore the jacket while using the Elvis glasses and the Tony Montana pimp cup. Actually, that sounds so good, I must do it. Let me repeat: this is an idea so perfect, it must be
obeyed!! I'll make sure to take a picture or two of my wedding duds, so we can all bask in my pimpitude!

And yes, that's how bad things have gotten ... I've just managed to spend an entire post - the first in over a week - to discuss shopping for clothes. Could I be any less manly?

(Seriously, I'll try to do better with upcoming posts, both in frequency and subject matter.)

Until next time,
The Jim

The Only Thing Missing was The Bat-tussi

Just a short review of The Dark Knight:



BAD ASS!!



This is truly the finest movie ever to feature: a) a hero punching a dog, and b) the most messed up use of a pencil in modern cinema.

The question now is: where does this stack in the pantheon of all-time great comic book movies. It's hard to say - anyone who knows me knows that such a topic is something I would take seriously. (As opposed to the Olympics, which apparently I take pretty lightly.) I don't want to overrate this one just because it's the most recent, and we've had a string now of three great comic movies and one pretty good one (Hellboy II wasn't quite up to Iron Man and The Hulk). I'll have to take this under advisement and get back to you.

One thing I will say, though, is I understand the hype surrounding Heath Ledger's performance. Few actors have nailed a comic character - hero or villain - the way Ledger got the Crown Prince of Crime. He completely brought across all of the Joker's key elements: his love of chaos, his complete ruthlessness, his love of dramatics, his bizarre love-hate relationship with Batman. Is it Oscar-worthy? No, not really - but I've seen far weaker performances than Ledger's win.

Of course, I should also point out the incredible trailer for Watchmen. I didn't think they could actually put that book into a movie, but it looks completely dead on, like whole scenes are lifted straight from the artwork. Just check it out below and weep at its awesomeness:



Until next time,
The Jim

Olympic Review #3: The Backlash

My elimination of diving as a "sport" has seemingly bristled a few. If I had to hazard a guess, I would imagine it's due to the fact that it presumes that some other far more popular sports may also be on the cutting block. In order to go ahead and address those issues, I thought I'd pick and choose some of the sports I consider to fall in or near the category of Subjective Exhibition.

Before I get there, though, I feel a little more clarification is required as to my issues with subjectivity in sports. My issue is not with subjectivity as a whole. I understand there are subjective decisions made in almost every type of event. Would the receiver have come down inbounds if he hadn't been pushed? When the guy gets knocked to the ground in basketball, was the defender trying to make a move for the ball, or was it an intentional foul? These are all, in there nature, subjective questions; however, there are big differences between those and diving. First of all, while those rules may be subjectively enforced, the scoring isn't. A touchdown is worth 6 points, a free throw is worth 1 point, a rugby try is worth 4 points, and so on. In diving, you don't know how much anything is worth. If my legs come apart an inch before I hit the water, one judge may think that's worth 0.5 points off, while another may think that's worth 0.72 points, and a third doesn't care, because the rest of my form was perfect. If you can't come up with the same score by watching at home, than that's NOT a sport. Sorry! How can it be a fair and impartial competition -- which, when you think about it, is the cornerstone of sports -- when two guys can do the exact same think and get different scores? Complain all you want, but I'm not budging on this.

Now, as far as the example I provided from football and basketball, there's another key difference. While the application of the rules may be subjective, the rule itself is not. That is, if a receiver is pushed out of bounds, but would have come down inbounds otherwise, that is a catch. If you make a move for the ball, that is, by definition, NOT an intentional foul. Do humans use subjectivity to apply the rule? Sure - that's only logical. But let's bring the same to synchronized swimming, shall we? Synchronized swimmers are supposed to be uniform in appearance; however, that's not clearly defined, is it? Judge A thinks one woman's hair is much too longer than another, and she takes off 0.2 points. Judge B thinks the girls are the same height, build, have matching outfits, and operated in complete unison, so he gives them a bonus 0.5 points for being uniform. Who's right? Who's wrong? No idea ... and no one can tell me, either. I don't object to subjective interpretation, that's just a part of having humans judge an event. What I object to is a set of rules that are so vague that the core of the sport itself is up to interpretation.

So, now that everyone is completely bored with that treatise, let's look at the next few events:

Gymnastics: Do I like gymnastics? No. Does it annoy me? Yes. Does that impact my determination on this? Maybe. My point, however, is there must be standards, and gymnastics doesn't come close. If you pick the wrong music for your floor exercise, you get points off ... unless a particular judge likes the music, and then you get points awarded to you. Seriously? Music selection is a criterion? If that's the case, wouldn't American Idol be a sport. Hell no! I don't even consider it a TV program (but that's a separate complaint). I'm sorry, all you Mary-Lou-Retton-Kerri-Strug-Olga-Korbut spandex fans out there, but: VERDICT: NOT A SPORT

Boxing: So a friend of mine challenged me with boxing as a test case. I believe the exact statement was, in part, "you'd say that boxing is a sport if a guy gets knocked out, but not if it goes to a decision because of the arbitrary scoring involved." In professional boxing, I'd have to agree with him. The way professional boxing is scored is ludicrous. Each round is scored by "who won the round," with no clear determination as to what the hell that means. It's one of the reasons that boxing is so ridiculous. How many fights have you seen that you KNOW the wrong guy was awarded the fight? But do you have any objective criteria that you can make your argument? Know. The judge's opinion is just as valid as yours, so both decisions are valid.

Ah, but here's the tricky part ... we're talking about Olympic boxing. Olympic boxing has a very defined scoring system. Every judge is essentially counting how many punches are landed - and there's even a definition as to what "landed" means. The scores vary between judge to judge, but that's only because in boxing it's easy to miss a punch or for two people to disagree as to whether a punch landed or not. All of that, though, is just subjectivity in the application of the rules, not in the rules themselves.

All that to say that yes, by my definitions, professional boxing wouldn't make the cut, but Olympic boxing is A-OK! VERDICT: IT'S A SPORT

Rhythmic Gymnastics: Even all the girls and women who fawn over gymnastics ... even THEY think rhythmic gymnastics is a joke. Each competitor uses five "apparatuses" while dancing around. The five props are: a rope, a hula hoop, a ball, bowling pins, and a ribbon on a stick. That's not a sport ... it's a weird interpretive dance recital. Obviously, the rules are just as ridiculously objective as real gymnastics, so: VERDICT: NOT A SPORT

Judo: Judo has judges, just like boxing. Just like Olympic boxing, though, there's a set score system. Now, it's complicated, and apparently requires you to have The Glow to understand it, but it is objective. My only complaint is that they award 2 bronze medals for every weight class. How BS is that? They can't just have them fight it out to decide who gets the last medal? That's one step above giving 4th and 5th place medals. This isn't the West Elementary Field Day, it's the Olympics - ONE bronze medal! Besides that, though: VERDICT: IT'S A SPORT

Archery: There's no subjectivity in archery, so that's not an issue; however, there's a little bit of a concern for me considering that everyone brings personalized equipment. Is someone from backwoods Mongolia competing with a $70 wooden bow with cat gut strings on the same level with the American with a $1,000 fiberglass-composite bow? Probably not, but the litmus test is whether the best archer in the world could win with poor equipment, or would a horrible archer have a chance with the best bow ever. When I think about it in those terms, the archer is far more important than the bow. VERDICT: IT'S A SPORT

Well, I think we've done enough for today. This brings our grand total to 26 medal events eliminated, while keeping 61 of them. Next time, I'll try to knock a large chunk of these out, so this poor idea for a blog series can end shortly.

Until next time,
The Jim

Call Me Mr. Excitement!

This concludes my One-Post-Per-Day Blogathon. You know what I've discovered? I run out of topics quickly whenever I have to write something daily. I suppose if I had some actual excitement going on, it would be different, but when the most riveting part of my day is experimenting with my meatloaf recipe, excitement is hard to come by!

Meanwhile, I'm watching 20/20 right now, and there's some guy who has set up an illegal bear refuge in Alaska. Apparently he's ignoring the fact that bears eat people, even if they've supposedly "accepted" you into their society. And while it's completely true that this guy is completely insane, I'm sure he has some good stories to tell over dinner.

On the business front, things were pretty tame today. I actually did a small bit of engineering work, and then I had a couple of meetings. One was pretty productive, but the other was ridiculous. This place was so far out in the woods that my GPS system couldn't find a route that didn't require unpaved road. Let me reiterate this: I went to a city hall today that was on a gravel road. The move to Dallas hasn't been quite as glamorous as I envisioned.

So that's about it. I'll take a few days off from posting so that I can come up with some mildly interesting topics, as well as do a little research. That's right - I said research! You think those Captain America pictures just happen?

Until next time,
The Jim

Olympic Review #2: Know the Rules

When I last discussed this topic, my plan was to review the Summer Olympics to determine which events were actually medal-worty sports, and which were merely exhibitions. Before I delve into my first round of events, however, let's start with some basic rules

Rule #1: No Arbitrary Scoring. This is probably my biggest determining factor. If there's an arbitrary system of scoring, it's not a sport. A sport indicates a level playing field. While this may not be true in practice, it should at least be inherit within the rules. If two judges can look at the same performance and come up with different scores, that's not a sport. If you'll get a better score if you compete after the judges have had a look at your competition so they can make a comparison, that's not a sport. (Gymnastics, which I'll cover in detail later, is the perfect example of this.) The equivalent would be if an umpire looked at a home run and decided, "You know what? That one is worth 5 runs. It just looks better."

Rule #2: Equipment Can Not Be More Important Than The Athlete. NASCAR will never be in the Olympics for a variety of reasons. The main reason they shouldn't, however, is it's not an athletic competition. It's a physically, emotionally, and strategically draining competition, but it's not a sport. I could have the best driver in the world, but if I give him a Model T, he won't win Daytona. I could give an average racer the fastest, best handling car ever made, and he might pull it off. In other words, the car is more important than the driver. If the equipment is more important than the competitors, it's not a sport.

Rule #3: Sports Require Athletes. Listen, I'm not saying chess isn't hard. I'm not even saying most chess players aren't in better shape than me, because they probably are. However, when you come right down to it, chess is a board game. No matter how much someone campaigns and petitions, chess is only slightly more athletic than Stratego. Hell, at least Trouble requires you to push down on the Pop-a-Matic Bubble.

I'm sure there are other rules, but we'll discover them as we go. So, let's get into the aquatic sports:

Water Polo: Sure, water polo is goofy, but it requires an incredible amount of energy and stamina to play that game without ever resting your feet on the bottom. I mean, I can't play water polo for 5 seconds without touching bottom, much less 28 minutes. Plus, I heard on a broadcast last month that the most common injury in water polo is a busted ear drum. Your event definitely gets some street cred if your most common injury is THAT painful. VERDICT: IT'S A SPORT

Swimming: There's been some discussion, as apparently a new swimsuit from Speedo is drastically improving swimming performances. While this would seem to violate Rule 2, it doesn't. This doesn't create an overwhelming advantage. A fat guy with floaties can't put one of these things on and win the 50m. VERDICT: IT'S A SPORT

Synchronized Swimming: When your score depends on how much you look like the other people, that's not a sport ... it's a Look-A-Like Contest. In fact, that should be a new rule: Rule #4: Sports Aren't Synchronized. ALso, when part of your scoring is based on "artistic impression," that's an exhibition. VERDICT: NOT A SPORT

Diving: This one is tough. You could conceivably come up with an objective scoring system. Each type of move is worth a set number of points, and then you have to perform a set number of moves. However, that's not how diving rolls. Rather, judges subjectively try to determine how well they think a dive looked. I really like diving a lot, but unfortunately ... VERDICT: NOT A SPORT

Synchronized Diving: Are you kidding me? This exists? Not only does it violate Rules #3 and #4, but it's just STUPID!! It sounds like something they would have used in Back to School. I can only guess this became an Olympic sport due to a practical joke. Unbelievable! VERDICT: NOT A SPORT

Well, that's all we've got this time. So far, we've officially eliminated 10 medal events between diving and synchronized swimming. I'm guessing quite a few more will get the axe in future episodes.

Until next time,
The Jim

Did I Mention my Good Speller Award from First Grade?

I promised two posts today; however, I didn't promise either one would be good. Now, we can debate as to the quality of the previous one, but this one's going to stink. Just be warned!

I've been unpacking boxes in my computer room/office in our house ... OK, wait a minute! That's a lie! I get halfway through one box, find something I want, and then I'm done. At this rate, my office will be finished just in time for us to move again.

Anyway, the point is that I've been, on rare occasions, going through some boxes up here, and I've managed to come across an entire collection of my trophies/awards/ribbons from my school days. At the time, these all seemed very impressive, but in retrospect, it looks like a horrible museum exhibit: The Life of a Dork!

Here's a small sampling of the things I've run across:

• First Place - 1990 La. Tech Fall Invitation Quiz Bowl trophy


• Participation trophy (That's right, I didn't even win anything!) from the 1992 Superconducting Super Collider Regional Science Bowl


• Youth Appreciation Week Citation from The Optimist Club


• Second Place ribbon from the 1982 St. Joseph Field Day relay (I'm pretty sure there were only two teams.)


• My "Bear" pin from my Cub Scout days


• Third Place ribbon in the 1992 Louisiana Academic Decathlon - Fine Arts division (Damn, I want to kick my own ass now!)


• The Perfect Attendance ribbon from my Army JROTC unit, with second year commendation!


• Second Place for the 1991 Math Quiz Bowl (Notice there's not a whole lot of victories indicated here.)


• Bronze medal - National Science Olympiad finals (No idea what the category or year was)


• Broadmoor Middle Lab Male Student of the Year - 1988 (The Heisman Trophy of 8^th grade geek awards.)


• My Honor Guard Commander's shoulder cord (It's a hard job holding up the flag.)

I knew I was a geek, but sometimes I allow myself to be deluded. You know, maybe I was a little cooler than I remember. And then I stroll across evidence like this, and I am forced to wonder what the hell I was thinking!

And it's not like I'm getting any cooler. That box of trophies is right now stacked in front of my bookshelf. A bookshelf, mind you, that is completely stuffed with comic books. And I didn't even start to buy comics until I hit 30 or so, so I can't even claim they're mere childhood remnants.

To be honest, I'm surprised I don't have somebody giving me a wedgie on a daily basis!

Until next time,
The Jim

It Stinks and It's Not Sanitary!

First of all, I owe an apology to my large following of readers (which now numbers somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 or 7). Earlier, I promised you a post a day for a week, and I managed to let July 5^th go by undocumented. I could say that I've found that it's hard to produce a cogent item on a daily basis, or I could claim I was just enjoying the holiday weekend, but those excuses don't cut it. Not with my high standards! (Please see my weak July 4^th post as an example.)

Luckily, I have an out clause! I stated that I was going to do "a post a day." That could be interpreted as an average; so, if I had done seven posts on Day 1, I'd already be off the hook! Given that incredibly tenuous logic, I'll attempt to do 2 posts today. And as the ladies know, I'm more than enough man to bring it twice in a day. (Hey, I'm talking about writing. If you're getting some other connotation, than shame on you!)

Today, I thought I'd share yet another thrilling story from work. Right now, our small, start-up branch is a crappy one-room office housing two people. We can barely fit in the furniture we have, and we're still trying to find places to stuff office supplies, books, and other such items.

My officemate drinks coffee daily, whereas I'm infrequent with the java. We don't have a kitchen area, or a break room, or even a sink ... we just have the one room. So, when brewing a new pot, one of us would head to a bathroom, dump the grounds in the bathroom trashcan, rinse everything out, and then head back. This went on for a couple of months without incident.

In the interim, we barely had any place to throw things away. The janitorial staff provided us with one small trashcan, which we would overfill regularly during the day. I eventually went and got a shredder which came with a little trashcan, so that helped some.

Well, one morning, I walked into the office and found a new, black trashcan left for me by my desk. I considered that to be rather thoughtful of the staff ... until I noticed the note that was attached:


This little love note flooded my mind with questions, such as:

1. Why use "4-u"? Doesn't that sound like something you'd write in a yearbook, or a really weird boutique store? Come to A Can 4-U for all your can-buying needs!



2. Is that the longest sentence ever? There's no punctuation until the end of the note. Should I read that like a speed freak, without any pauses or breaks? P.S. It sounds funny that way. Go ahead and try it!



3. Why is it "not sanitary"? They supposedly empty that trash can daily, right? Are they not actually emptying the bathroom trash cans, and they're getting mold and nastiness as a result? If so, isn't there another, more "sanitary" solution - such as emptying the bathroom trashcans?



4. If dumping it in the bathroom isn't sanitary, how can dumping it in a little waste basket in my office be any better? Does my trashcan have magic, antiseptic properties or which I'm unaware?



5. It stinks? Really? It's in the bathroom! Isn't that where stinky stuff lives? I'm sure I've personally contributed far more offensive odors to that room than used coffee grounds.



6. Is it possibly considered stinky because it's unexpected? When you walk into a bathroom (especially a men's room), you can expect foul, excretory odors. There are some dank smells of mildew, and maybe even a little urine. While these may be unappealing, you know they're coming. But when you stroll in and the scent of used coffee fills the air, maybe it takes you aback. Personally, I find this hard to believe. I would much prefer the scent of used coffee than the regular aroma of the office bathroom. In fact, we should have been thanked for improving the general environment of the building.



7. Why bother specifying that we weren't to dispose of the grounds in both he men's and women's restrooms? Was this guy worried that we'd think putting it in the men's room was gross, but when my officemate dumps them in the women's room, that was completely cool?



8. What does "Thanks/cleaning" mean? Was that supposed to indicate that this was from the cleaning guy or the entire cleaning staff? Or was it a statement, such as, "Thanks for doing this. I'm cleaning right now, so I'm too busy to go into this further." I like to think it's the latter. That way, I feel I'm getting a little more insight into this delightful individual's daily grind.

The mischievous smart ass in me seriously thought about leaving a response for the cleaning staff with some of the snarky questions listed above. However, I recalled that the one janitor I had seen to that point was a small, muscular white dude with what looked like a large collection of prison tattoos. Needless to say, I felt thinly-veiled sarcasm may not be the best approach. Instead, we continue to dump coffee grounds in our new, super-sanitary trash can. True, it's probably a little ridiculous for the janitor to be giving me orders, but it's not important enough for me to end up getting shived.

Until next time,
The Jim

Happy Birthday, America! Let's Rock!

Hey, it's July 4th! Know what that means?

Time to post the most patriotic, bad-ass thing ever printed!

Click on the images to America-size them!


Bad-assery presented in The Ultimates #12 (Milar & Hitch)
Hey, what's more American that ragging on the French?


Captain America #1 (Simon & Kirby): Putting Nazis in their place since 1941!
Oh, yeah - punching Hitler in the face! Now that's what I'm talkin' about!

Until next time,
The Jim

Yet Another Business Success

As I’ve mentioned previously, my new job requires me to take on some marketing responsibilities. This is unfortunate, as I have zero marketing training and little aptitude for it. It’s OK, though - I also know nothing about the new market I’m in, so it all balances out.

Our business often requires us to work for architecture firms. Given that fact, I’ve been tasked with making contact with some of the local firms to start putting our name out there. I had met with a local guy, and while he didn’t have any work for us, he still seemed promising as a contact. At that time, he suggested another firm in a neighboring town, so I scheduled a meeting at their office.

I put the address into the GPS and headed over. I got to the town, but then the computer started leading me further and further out. Eventually, I came to a little country road with a couple of country houses and NOTHING else around it. Surely, I thought, I’ve gone to the wrong address. I start freaking out, assuming I’m going to be late for my meeting, and then...

... I notice the sign on the house in the corner. It’s small – certainly can’t be read from the road – but I had a sneaking suspicion. I pull into the driveway (also known as the strip of gravel), and sure enough, I’ve found the place.


OK, maybe it wasn’t quite that bad, but it’s not a good sign when you can’t figure out which screen door to open! Turns out it’s a three-man shop plus a receptionist (i.e., one of the employee’s mother) which does both small projects and really small projects. Needless to say, I don’t expect any multi-million dollar projects out of this one.

So, to sum up, I’ve managed to find a pipe fitter, two funeral directors, and the world’s most podunk architecture firm. If I had to hazard a guess, I’ll bet my next marketing contact will be this guy:


Until next time,
The Jim

I Put the S in Slacker

... And we're back!

Sorry for the long delay between posts. I've been crazy busy, and I managed to throw a trip out of town in the mix. Needless to say, I haven't gotten into the habit of regular posts yet.


My goal is to remedy that situation as of now. I'm going to try to do a post a day for a week (even if they're crappy ones like this). We'll see how that goes.

Next time, I'll get back to my only moderately amusing look at Olympic sports ... the article no one has been pining for.

Until tomorrow,
The Jim