Olympic Review #2: Know the Rules

When I last discussed this topic, my plan was to review the Summer Olympics to determine which events were actually medal-worty sports, and which were merely exhibitions. Before I delve into my first round of events, however, let's start with some basic rules

Rule #1: No Arbitrary Scoring. This is probably my biggest determining factor. If there's an arbitrary system of scoring, it's not a sport. A sport indicates a level playing field. While this may not be true in practice, it should at least be inherit within the rules. If two judges can look at the same performance and come up with different scores, that's not a sport. If you'll get a better score if you compete after the judges have had a look at your competition so they can make a comparison, that's not a sport. (Gymnastics, which I'll cover in detail later, is the perfect example of this.) The equivalent would be if an umpire looked at a home run and decided, "You know what? That one is worth 5 runs. It just looks better."

Rule #2: Equipment Can Not Be More Important Than The Athlete. NASCAR will never be in the Olympics for a variety of reasons. The main reason they shouldn't, however, is it's not an athletic competition. It's a physically, emotionally, and strategically draining competition, but it's not a sport. I could have the best driver in the world, but if I give him a Model T, he won't win Daytona. I could give an average racer the fastest, best handling car ever made, and he might pull it off. In other words, the car is more important than the driver. If the equipment is more important than the competitors, it's not a sport.

Rule #3: Sports Require Athletes. Listen, I'm not saying chess isn't hard. I'm not even saying most chess players aren't in better shape than me, because they probably are. However, when you come right down to it, chess is a board game. No matter how much someone campaigns and petitions, chess is only slightly more athletic than Stratego. Hell, at least Trouble requires you to push down on the Pop-a-Matic Bubble.

I'm sure there are other rules, but we'll discover them as we go. So, let's get into the aquatic sports:

Water Polo: Sure, water polo is goofy, but it requires an incredible amount of energy and stamina to play that game without ever resting your feet on the bottom. I mean, I can't play water polo for 5 seconds without touching bottom, much less 28 minutes. Plus, I heard on a broadcast last month that the most common injury in water polo is a busted ear drum. Your event definitely gets some street cred if your most common injury is THAT painful. VERDICT: IT'S A SPORT

Swimming: There's been some discussion, as apparently a new swimsuit from Speedo is drastically improving swimming performances. While this would seem to violate Rule 2, it doesn't. This doesn't create an overwhelming advantage. A fat guy with floaties can't put one of these things on and win the 50m. VERDICT: IT'S A SPORT

Synchronized Swimming: When your score depends on how much you look like the other people, that's not a sport ... it's a Look-A-Like Contest. In fact, that should be a new rule: Rule #4: Sports Aren't Synchronized. ALso, when part of your scoring is based on "artistic impression," that's an exhibition. VERDICT: NOT A SPORT

Diving: This one is tough. You could conceivably come up with an objective scoring system. Each type of move is worth a set number of points, and then you have to perform a set number of moves. However, that's not how diving rolls. Rather, judges subjectively try to determine how well they think a dive looked. I really like diving a lot, but unfortunately ... VERDICT: NOT A SPORT

Synchronized Diving: Are you kidding me? This exists? Not only does it violate Rules #3 and #4, but it's just STUPID!! It sounds like something they would have used in Back to School. I can only guess this became an Olympic sport due to a practical joke. Unbelievable! VERDICT: NOT A SPORT

Well, that's all we've got this time. So far, we've officially eliminated 10 medal events between diving and synchronized swimming. I'm guessing quite a few more will get the axe in future episodes.

Until next time,
The Jim