Haiku Wednesday XIII: Traffic Report

Traffic will be slow
On the Icelandic Highway.
A moose is on fire.
(Sometimes when I'm bored, I play out little fictitious scenes in my head. It's probably best not to ask too many questions.)

Until next time,
The Jim

LOCAL NEWS! LOCAL NEWS!

Last night, I had a weird dream.

First of all, I wasn't even in the dream. It was more of a movie my brain decided to create for me - my own Theater of the Brain. A child meets some homeless guy on the street, and the dude is clearly deranged. He may, in fact, be schizophrenic, but I can't make an accurate diagnosis based on this story.

The young child (played by Haley Joel Osment) befriends the man, and tries to help him. I think the crazy guy may have been played by Bryan Cranston (the dad from Malcolm in the Middle), but I might be mixing that up with an ad for Breaking Bad I saw yesterday. It's hard to keep things straight when you're recalling a dream.

(By the way, the kid or the crazy guy may have had a dog. I'm pretty sure there was a dog in the final scene, but I'm not sure to whom it belonged, if anyone.)

My brain apparently was bored with the plot build-up, so I jumped straight to the final scene. The boy and the crazy dude somehow end up in a different part of town, or a different city entirely. The whack-job sees something on a TV in a store window, and instantly starts screaming "LOCAL NEWS!" Something has triggered his memory, and he starts trudging down the street. Eventually, he ends up in a dining room with some very ornate and well-maintained furniture. (Really, all I remember is a very nice dining room table, but I'm sure there were some chairs and such.) Somebody walks in from the kitchen, and it's ... another kid who also looks like Haley Joel Osment (except with wild hair and possibly a Grizzly Adams beard for some reason).

The other kid is extremely calm - almost Spock-like - as he relays the story that the crazy guy is his father. The mother died almost 4 years ago, and their finances began to dwindle. The father had to sell off pretty much everything, but he refused to get rid of his wife's favorite possession - her formal dining set. People hounded after him, because apparently this table is quite impressive. Somehow, this led to his subsequent insanity, although my Theater of the Brain didn't clearly explain that train of events.

In his father's absence, the son survived on his own and maintained the furniture. Apparently, he's had the table appraised and it's worth $900,000! In the background, the crazy father is loudly weeping, presumably with joy.

THE END

Needless to say, this little tale left me with several questions:

1. How did the man's son survive on his own for 4 years? Wouldn't someone have noticed this kid all alone?


2. Was the guy already crazy? Was he, in fact, schizophrenic? Was he always crazy, and he became uncontrollable without his wife's care? For some reason, I was left with the impression that the antiques buyers who coveted the table actually drove him insane, but how is THAT possible?


3. Why on earth was the son so incredibly cold and logical while relaying the story? I distinctly remember the father going monkey-butt crazy with the sobbing, but the son was acting like he was telling some dude about his day at work.


4. Why $900,000? Why not a million, or 5 million? Why would I settle on that sum?


5. How can a character look like Haley Joel Osment with a Grizzly Adams beard? I can't even conceive of that logically!

I haven't the slightest notion what any of this means. I often have exceptionally odd dreams, but rarely do I recall them when I awake. Why would this one stay with me?

Am I destined to go crazy over a dining room table? Will I have a son who looks like Haley Joel? Should I grow a beard and live with bears? Or did I just eat too much for Memorial Day?

Really, this is almost as confusing as the time I had the dream about Jabberjaws. (And yes, that actually happened!)

Until next time,
The Jim

Haiku Wednesday XII: Hard Hat

Glorious hard hat:
Powerful shell for my head.
My noggin's ouch-proof!
(Yes, I just used the word "ouch-proof." This may signal the end of poetry as an art form.)

Until next time,
The Jim

Haiku Wednesday XI: Calculus

"Calculus" is the
Word describing difficult
Math or kidney stones.
(It's true. Look it up.)

Until next time,
The Jim

Today's Vocabulary and/or Trajectory Lesson

As I came in to work today, a memo was posted on the door. Apparently, we are getting the windows washed in our building, and the property manager felt the need to let us know what was happening. A particular sentence, however, caught my attention:

"Their employees will be propelling from the roof in order to reach every floor."

Really? The employees will be propelling from the roof?

For those of you new to the English language, to "propel" means "causing to move forward or outward with force." The action of going down a shear surface while attached to a rope, as someone may do while washing windows, is called "repelling."

For clarification, here's a visual demonstration:

REPELLING from the roof


PROPELLING from the roof
Of course, if they are propelling from the roof, I probably need to move my car.

Until next time,
The Jim

Haiku Wednesday X: Star

If I was a gay
Porno star, I'd go by the
Name of Hans Hiney.
(... or maybe Rod Woodman. I need to give this some more thought.)

Until next time,
The Jim

News Flash: I'm not as Cool & Quirky as I Think I am!

Ladies & gentlemen, I am about to present to you what may be the longest gap between setup and payoff in the history of the free world.

Back in July of 2007 2008 [thanks to Mrs. The Jim for noticing my error on the date], I had a family wedding to attend. After my purchase of a seersucker jacket, I decided my ensemble would include my Matlock-looking sports coat, my "Elvis" sunglasses, and a gold pimp cup with Tony Montana's initials. I even wrote about it quite enthusiastically. I don't exactly have an exhibitionist's personality, so this was a major thing for me. I mean, I thought I would be SO COOL. Little did I know how ordinary I would seem at this event.

Here's a shot of me getting prepared for the big day:


Yes, I actually thought this was a slick-looking outfit. You may not notice in this picture, but the cup does, in fact, have the T.M. initials in honor of everyone's favorite Miami businessman.

I actually thought I had been quite clever because this was an outdoor wedding, and North Texas can be brutally hot in late July. My Matlock jacket is incredibly lightweight and designed for summertime wear, so I knew I would be the most comfortable person there ...

Except NO ONE ELSE wore a jacket! Not even the groom! No, here's what he wore:


That's the groom on the left, in the plaid pink tie, black kilt, iron cross belt buckle, sunglasses, and combat boots. It's hard to see, but he also has the spiky fauxhawk hairstyle going. It's not exactly my favorite hairstyle, but he seemed to pull it off.

OK, so maybe my clothing didn't stand out in this crowd, but wait until we get to the reception. I'm sure that will be a little more subdued.


OK, so they had a pink and black theme, which is definitely a little atypical, but at least my "pimp cup" still stood out. I'm still cool, right? I mean, it's not like they had matching Bride & Groom Pimp Cups for the first toast.


Oh ... never mind!

Until next time,
The Jim

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BONUS FOOTAGE
Bride & groom carried out the black and pink theme all the way. They even had a black & pink wedding cake (which was quite yummy):


Mrs. the Jim humored me and drank from the Tony Montana cup: