After the recent job craziness, I'm trying to make a conscious effort to improve my networking. Now, I'm not very good at chit-chat with random strangers ... that's really more of a Mrs. The Jim talent ... but I still need to get a few people in town to actually know who I am.
Many of you probably already know about LinkedIn. Instead of "social" networking, this is a site dedicated strictly to professional networking and contacts. I won't go into the details of the thing (I barely know them myself), but it's something I started using during the job search thing.
Well, one of the elements of the site is that you can upload a picture to go with your name, job history, résumé, etc.. This, I would think, helps you to stand out, as well as making you more memorable.
So, I've been looking through some of my options for a picture. Here's a few:
#1) The Grinning Buffoon:
This was a picture my last employer took to possibly use for marketing materials. Needless to say, they went with a different head shot. I don't know why, but I have an extremely difficult time looking natural when trying to smile for photos. That fact, though, doesn't excuse whatever I'm doing with my eyes.
#2) The Big Shot:
Smoke makes me gag and wheeze like an idiot, and yet I decided it would be a good idea to smoke a Cuban cigar in Mexico during by bachelor party. This shot looks ridiculous in its own right, but it's even better when you consider I couldn't breathe for about 10 minutes after it was taken.
#3) The Seersucker Pimp:
If I was more secure in myself professionally, or if I thought engineering companies had a sense of humor, I'd put this out in a second. Alas, I don't think this will cut it. (Side note: This picture is currently serving as the logo for my painfully mediocre fantasy football team. Yes, I am exactly THAT geeky.)
#4) Soldier of Fortune:
This is a personal favorite of a reader, so I felt obliged to include it. Everyone has an embarrassing photo from their high school days. What sets me apart ... this is one of the LEAST embarrassing pictures of me from that time. Seriously, I actually think that's not that bad, considering some of the other horrors I've unearthed.
#5) The Relief Pitcher:
Really, I could have gone with any of the photos from The Beard Experiment, but this shot has at least one or two fans. I can't imagine anything more damaging professionally than using this picture as my "Business Jim" face.
After looking through my large image collection, it's painfully obvious that I don't really take good pictures. Maybe I should go get a Glamor Shot done. They still do those, right?
Amid the chaos, Shrieks of grief resound for miles. My winning streak ends!
Since the college football season has started, I've been in the mode to play some video football. I restarted my college football seasons on the Wii, and have played almost 4 seasons with fake Texas A&M.
I had gradually ratcheted up the difficulty on the competition and after some early stumbles, I just kept winning. I had a 39-game winning streak going into tonight. Alas, it finally ended.
It was a crazy game, with 15 combined turnovers, and with me almost coming back from a 31-0 deficit. True, it's extraordinarily meaningless, but it still pissed me off to finally see it all end.
Of course, what all of this really means is that my wife is staying in Fort Worth for 4 straight days due to school responsibilities, and I'm really, really bored.
It's Post #100, and it's a doozy. Clearly I've slacked off writing recently, but it's been about the craziest few weeks I've ever had.
First of all, I left my interview on Thursday, and headed to Austin. (The interview went about how I expected. I was not right for the job, I felt very uncomfortable the whole time, and I've yet to hear from them ... probably not going to get that one.) On our way down south, I got a phone call from my Austin contact who informed me that our tickets had been stolen. My big elaborate birthday gift had apparently been lifted by an internet hacker or a disgruntled roommate, and there wasn't anything we could really do about it. Man, I've really been on a roll lately.
While I had recently been told that I no longer had a job, we had some money put away in savings, so I decided to suck it up and go buy another set of tickets from scalpers. We ended up paying an extra $50 a piece, and missing the early part of Friday’s show. Damn you, Ticket Thief!! Damn you to Hell!!
ACL was fun, and we saw some great acts. Probably the top shows ended up being Phoenix, the B52s, !!!, Kings of Leon, The Knux, and Flogging Molly. Saturday, though, the rain really started to come down, and that's when we learned a little fun fact about Zilker Park in Austin. Apparently, the city recently needed to resod the entire park due to the wear and tear from numerous festivals. When they put down all that new grass, however, some good topsoil material was needed. Their solution - a mixture of soil, composted plant materials, untreated lake water, and ANIMAL WASTE. Well, when you add a ton of rain and the pressure of 200,000 feet onto freshly placed sod, all of that "stuff" bubbles to the top. Yep, that's right ... almost the entire park became a giant puddle of poo!
For some reason, I found that sight to be an apt metaphor for my recent endeavors.
After we got back, I finally got the full details of my layoff. My last day was to be the Oct. 15. Bear in mind I discovered this fact roughly 7 days before that, so it was just a smidge abrupt. During this unfortunate process, my boss had always indicated that the company understood that this was tough, and they would do what they could to make this easy so that I could find a new job. Well, I also found out that "making things easy" was to give me ONE EXTRA PAYCHECK.
My former employer, the one that always told everyone that it was "like a family" and "they were a different, caring company" apparently decided to treat me with all the caring and compassion of the Corleone family - and I was Fredo! Apparently, a couple of weeks extra pay is all I should need to find a job in the worst U.S. economy in decades. This also ignores the fact that the main reason I've been laid off is because NONE of my superiors actually did their jobs and marketed this area. Moreover, I actually received a negative performance review last year because I had the audacity to try to start marketing when no one else would. How DARE I try to do things outside of my job description!
To this day, no one from my former firm has called or written to say they were sorry to let me go, or that it was a shame, or that they were glad to have me there for 4 years, or to really even wish me good luck. Not the owner who liked to act like it was all a happy family. Certainly not the duplicitous, racist boss who loved to tell people how we were such a "Christian organization" while dropping the N-word left and right in front of employees. Somewhat surprisingly, I haven't even heard from any of my former coworkers back in Louisiana with whom I had a good relationship. Part of me wonders if they were even told how quickly all this was going down. It really was so bad, Mrs. The Jim wondered if I had actually been fired instead of laid off.
I called my boss whenever I found out about the miniscule package, and he was shocked that I was shocked! My fearless leader seemed quite sure that he had clearly explained all of these details. The fact that I was so clueless about everything didn't seem to sway his position that he had been sufficiently clear. Oh, well ... guess I was too stupid to get it.
This turn of events freaked me out! My former boss had all but assured me that I was guaranteed a job with the firm across the hall. After this, though I had the realization that I couldn't trust anything this guy said. What if this new job was a bunch of crap as well? The potential employer had been out of town for the first part of the week, so I still hadn't been able to set up an interview.
I was scrambling! I contacted everyone I had ever known about potential job openings. I applied for anything I could find (which wasn't much). I started looking at random things, like a posting for a call center operator. That's right, I was ready to start answering customer service calls for the Toll Road Authority. I had no idea what I was going to do.
And then the next day ... I had an interview that lasted roughly 15 minutes. The new employer wanted to give me $5,000 more a year, an opportunity to work on some huge projects, and a chance to do structural design on bridges, which I've been trying to do for years. In fact, he wants to eventually evolve into doing structural building design, and have me be his lead guy in that. That's a type of design I've been trying to do since college.
Needless to say, I took the job.
Now, this new employer isn't a giant firm. It's a little disorganized at times, and they certainly don’t have the structure and resources of a mega-firm. What this place does, however, is get work, and lots of it. Not only that, the owner brings in the kind of work I want to do. Maybe this is short-term, maybe it isn’t – but it’s definitely a much better opportunity for Professional The Jim.
Burned company shirts. Why are my lungs burning so? Deadly, toxic fumes!
Tomorrow I have an interview that, unless I'm mistaken, will accomplish nothing. I don't really know what this job is (yes, it's THAT disorganized), but I think it's something for which I'm poorly qualified.
After that, though, I continue south to the State Capital for the Austin City Limits Festival. Mrs. The Jim will join me Friday afternoon, as she has some classwork to handle Friday morning. Anyway, I haven't been in a couple of years, and I always enjoy it immensely.
So, I've got a little update on the job search front. My boss came in today from the home office in Louisiana, and decided to announce that, sure enough, they're closing the office here in Dallas. They've decided they don't have the resources to market in a second location, ignoring the fact that they were supposed to be finding jobs for us for 1.5 years, and didn't bother to do so. And let's not forget last year when I tried to do some marketing on my own, given that no one else would do it. That's when I got my hand slapped for doing something outside my job description.
In retrospect, they may not have had the greatest business plan in the world.
Fortunately, I've been told that the engineering firm next door - a firm with whom we've been working off and on - will gladly hire me on immediately. I haven't had that meeting yet (I anticipate it'll happen the beginning of next week), but I wouldn't be surprised at all if I actually end up making more than I do now, as well as receive whatever severance package my current firm is putting together.
All in all, things could be a whole lot worse. I'm still not sure this new firm is where I want to be working long-term, but I'm not in a position to be picky right now. Plus, it's possible that this new employer could really work out to my advantage.
All that being said, that still doesn't mean I don't have a little bitterness and anger for being transferred and immediately abandoned over here in Dallas. So, in that vein ...
By the way, these shirts ERUPTED into flames. They were clearly not flame retardant. I think if I had ever worn these things next to an open flame, I would have lit up like Johnny Blaze.
I just thought I'd give everyone a little update on things.
Item #1 (Will Work for ... Well, Lots & Lots of Money, Actually!): First of all, I had my meeting/interview on Thursday, and I managed not to look too foolish. This wasn't a real interview, as this company doesn't have a job available right now. Rather, this was an attempt by me to network through the alma mater's alumni base to see if these guys knew of anyone who would hire me.
So far, nothing ... but these guys did seem pretty genuine in their desire to help look around and pass along my résumé to folks of importance. They also indicated that their company is about to get a lot of highway work, and may, in fact, need to bring in another engineer to handle the workload. If that's the case, I may already have a leg up.
On Saturday, I received an e-mail from another possible contact. I had talked to my last employer back in the Bayou State, and he told me that he had sold his company to a firm that has a Dallas office. E-mails and résumés were transferred around, and the manager of the Dallas branch said he would call me this week after he returns from a business trip.
I also just got off the phone with someone at HR from a third company. As I'm driving out of town towards Austin for the ACL Festival next week, I'll have to stop in at their office for an interview. I still don't know what the job would be or with whom I'm meeting, but I guess it's a good sign in any case.
Item #2 (Poor Performance): After I posted my last column, I made the realization that it's not easy to write something slightly coherent and somewhat entertaining when you haven't done so for a while. That was POOP! Even I didn't want to read it, and I usually think quite highly of myself. I can only imagine how dull and uninteresting that was for the average consumer.
As pointless as most of my ramblings are, I had gotten into a regular flow and schedule. Hell, it took me forever to write this crap, and there's NOTHING in here but my Job Search Diary. It's funny how lazy and worthless I can become when given the opportunity.
Anyway, I hope that I can get back into a regular rhythm of posting, so I can reattain my previous level of moderate semi-competency.
Item #3 (Better Really, Really Late Than Never): As everyone may recall, I held an incredibly sad contest to drum up readership. Even though subscribers grew by a mind-blowing 0.0%, I still promised to create individualized artwork for all current subscribers. Well, everyone will be happy to know that I've finally started working on them a mere 2+ months after the fact.
Yes, I'm sketching out comics panels and cutting out construction paper. It's a weird little crafting workshop over here.
Well, that's about it. I'll keep everyone posted on my progress on the job search, and I'll also finally get around to discussing some more wacky adventures (including mind-altering photographic evidence.)
Over a month ago, I decided to rent a couple of movies. Bear in mind we have an enormous backlog of unwatched DVDs, as well as a ton of stuff on the DVR; however, I just felt like picking up something new.
Film #1 - Green Lantern: First Flight For those of you above the age of 5, you may not know that DC Comics has recently started making straight-to-DVD animated films. I guess since Super Friends is no longer out there, they want to make sure their primary characters and stories get out to a new market so that their blockbuster Warner Brothers movies continue to do well.
Some, such as New Frontier, have been pretty solid. This, however ...
I love me some Green Lantern. He's probably only second to Flash in my personal pantheon of superheroes. I like the idea of the interstellar police force with crazy aliens all with the same superhero name and kick-ass ring.
Mrs. The Jim knows I'm a fan, and as this was an origin story of a hero unknown to the general masses, it was a chance for her to better understand the character.
Except it was AWFUL!! Green Lantern: First Flight was boring, poorly written, and voice acting that sounded like a bad drama club read-through. She stopped watching after Minute #1, and I still wonder why I struggled through the rest of it.
It's not worth it to recap the character, story, plot, any of it ... just avoid this dreck at all costs.
Film #2 - Hot Fuzz Fortunately for our sanity, I picked up two (2) films, and left Hot Fuzz for last. For those of you that don't recall, Hot Fuzz was made by Simon Pegg and his group after the success with Shaun of the Dead. (This is not to be confused with Super Fuzz, which is a brilliant piece of cinema in its own right.) In this one, Pegg plays the best cop in all of London, Nicholas Angel. He's so good, in fact, that he's drastically affecting crime statistics and, in the process, making all of the other cops and districts look bad by comparison.
The solution, of course: send the Super Cop out to the country, where there's nothing of interest.
Inspector Angel discovers the new town is boring & his coworkers are inept. Strangely, though, there seems to be an ongoing series of suspicious deaths. As our intrepid hero investigates, he's not sure if he's going crazy due to the boredom, or uncovering some sort of crazy plot. All the while, he has to deal with a moronic partner who is obsessed with every cop flick ever made. Part of the movie actually revolves around the two of them watching Point Break and Bad Boys II. That's right ... you actually sit and watch people watching a movie.
The film eventually devolves into an insanely violent and funny shoot-out between the cops and the friendliest murder cult you've ever seen. It really gets good, as I just couldn't stop laughing for about the last 20 minutes.
For me, the reason Hot Fuzz (and, for that matter, Shaun of the Dead) is so good is because these guys treat their comedy seriously. Every shoot out with a florist or smackdown with a zombie is treated completely straight. They don't tell jokes or make snide satire about these genres. Rather, they just do funny things, and assume the audience is smart enough to understand that it's funny. It's really brilliant work.
At an interview Don't wear just a thong, unless You're in superb shape!
I have my first interview tomorrow. I'm hoping this process isn't too drawn out, and I can find something worthwhile. Of course, I'm sure I'll have plenty of wacky tales afterwards that I'll be sure to share.
I'm trying a rare double today, as I'll also be putting up an actual column soon.
It's Wednesday today. Birds sing and flit gracefully. Time to write haikus.
I have 2 distinct mental images after throwing this together. The first is me strolling around in a "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah"-type montage as birds are singing to and/or with me.
The second is me slaving away to keep up with this demanding haiku schedule ... almost like the "Time to Make the Donuts" guy.
So, I took off about a month from writing on The Machine. It's been a ridiculous month, and it's been shamefully difficult to find time to keep my miniscule audience up to date on all my latest dealings.
First of all, Mrs. The Jim started school, but we had difficulty securing funding. Apparently, the stupid fools who kept buying houses they couldn't afford managed to not only destroy the housing market and the economy in general. No, the devastation has trickled down to the student loan market, as we couldn't find sufficient loans. It took us a while to figure out how to pay for her education, but we eventually pieced something together. Strangely enough, we managed to secure a loan after the fact, but that whole little drama took up a week of my attention.
Then, I spent over a week dealing with my pain-in-the-butt computer problems. After several completely failed attempts at saving my machine, I determined that it was a lost cause and would need to be formatted. Unfortunately, this was a computer I received from my dad, and I didn't really have licensed copies of Windows or much of my other software. After I did a little research, the amount I'd have to spend on software exceeded the cost of a basic, run-of-the-mill laptop. So ... that's what I did. I went out, bought a new laptop, set it up, and made sure both of our machines were completely protected and backed up. That little escapade took up another 1.5 weeks.
Over the past 2 weeks, I've had a ton of work to do at the office. Our branch doesn't have a bunch of projects (well, to be honest, there's not a ton of projects at the company's HQ either). Anyway, I've been putting in a lot of busy work from the other office, just to make sure we looked billable and valuable. The busy work, however, completely ate into my free time.
Just recently, my boss came over from the company HQ. He took my co-worker and me to lunch and told us about the long-term plans for the office. Just to sum up ... those long-term plans didn't exactly fill me with confidence. Apparently, the home office may or may not decide to get rid of my branch. Even if they don't, it may take years before this place is generating a bunch of work, and no one can seem to figure out how to go out and generate work in a new market.
Honestly, I've been ready to move on to something else for months now. My job search, however, had been relatively passive. I had talked to recruiters (a complete waste of time), and I had applied to some on-line postings that ended up going away. Of course, the current economy hasn't exactly made job hunting all too easy. My lunch meeting, however, emphasized a need to take a more proactive approach.
Of late, I've been doing a ton of research and trying to contact people at local firms who may be able to help. As you can imagine, this effort managed to occupy the rest of my time of late. I've managed to develop quite a few promising leads, but nothing concrete to date.
I'm happy to report, though, that my time has started to become less congested. My job search is now more systematic and less time consuming. The busy work for the office has dried up, so I don't have that over my head either. For the first time in a long while, I finally feel like I have enough free time available to begin my regular on-line blather again.
As you can imagine, there are a few things I've wanted to chronicle recently, but they've been stuck on the back burner. I still want to detail some of my thoughts from our San Antonio trip. I also have some cool pictures from the wedding we recently attended, and I had some more movie reviews. I've worked out a tentative schedule for my upcoming trip to ACL and my college football team finally won a game. Of course, I'll need to keep everyone posted as the job search progresses. Most importantly, though, it's about time America's favorite weekly poetry output gets back into gear.
So, faithful reader, we begin again. Next time, I'll put on my Siskel-and-Ebert hat, and give you the kind of hard-hitting film criticism you've come to expect.
Hey, everyone! I know I owe you a haiku, but I'm still in the midst of my summer hiatus. (That is to say, I'm far more busy & stressed than I care to admit.) So rather than just put something out there, I'll have to skip this week.
I plan to be back on schedule, or better, something around the end of the week.
However, I hate to leave you empty-handed. So, in celebration of the fact that NFL training camps are underway, here's a picture of some dude who sat next to me at a Cowboys game last year. Bear in mind, we were in the 3rd to last row, so it's not like he was going to be on TV or anything. Apparently he just thought this was a good look.
I am so behind! I have zero free time now. I'm so freaking tired!
It's been brought to my attention that I've yet to make any progress on producing customized artwork, as promised. Also, I've been a bit behind on posting, as I haven't even bothered to write anything about the vacation to San Antonio (in summary - it was nice).
Unfortunately, I have little excuse except that I'm insanely busy. Currently, I'm moonlighting at a second job. The arrangement has worked out pretty well so far, but I'm still only in the first week of it. Between that and the multiple financial wranglings I've had to deal with in the past couple of weeks (don't ask), it's been hectic.
I'll get back into a routine relatively soon. Until then, though, I'll probably be more sporadic than I'd like on the site. Eventually, though, I'll pull things together so that I can again bring you the high level of journalism you've come to expect.
There are few moments in a man's life when he can point to a major milestone and say, "Yes! I achieved the impossible! I am greatness!" Today, however, I'm glad to share with you one of those moments. Today, you see, I'm happy to announce that ...
... I TIED THE BOW TIE!!
True, it's still a little lopsided. True, I've yet to recreate this feat. And yes, it's true my face and neck are probably way too fat for that little tie.
But that's not the point! I managed to do something extremely difficult without any guidance. Say what you will, but I'm proud of this one.
I'll admit it ... I've been pretty down recently. The summer heat has been brutal locally. I haven't been sleeping well at all, so I'm constantly tired. Work has been a real grind of late, and the air conditioning at the office has been almost completely ineffective. My wife's been under the weather, so that sucks.
But today, my friends ... today I have a little more spring in my step. Today, the sun doesn't seem quite so ruthless. The birds seem to be less interested in crapping all over my front door and more interested in gently singing. Even my muggy office seems less trying.
I'll go ahead and let that sink in for a minute ...
...
...
... are we ready? OK, then.
For all you philistines who are clueless as to the greatness of this news, The State was a comedy sketch show on MTV that ran from 1993 to 1995. It was groundbreaking, and I still consider it among the top comedy/sketch shows ever. It had a bunch of guys you've seen before, but no one that ever became a giant star or anything.
Some of my personal favorite memories of that show:
Louie: Typical Saturday-Night-Live-humor is to develop a character, give him some stupid catch phrase, and then run it into the ground. The State countered with Louie - a guy who ONLY uttered his catchphrase. Everyone thought he was hilarious for carrying around 2 golf balls, identifying something, and then saying, "I wanna dip my balls in it!" It's the "Isn't that special?" -"Whatcha Talkin' 'Bout Willis?" - "Schwing!" - "I'm crushing your head." sketch taken to its ultimate.
Fan Names: This one was pretty stupid, but for some reason it stuck with me. Apparently, the crew and writers were inundated with requests for them to slip fans' names into sketches. So, they decided to take care of every request at once by creating a two-minute sketch that crammed every name they could in there. I don't know why I still remember this - I guess it just seemed like the kind of stupid thing I would have done if I had a TV show.
$240 Worth of Pudding: This is the ultimate The State sketch. Anyone who ever saw the show - and even some who didn't - saw it and loved it. Take two guys dressed as bad lounge singers, smooth R&B music, a red velvet backdrop, and an insane amount of tapioca pudding. Then let the magic happen! It’s something so funny that I still could watch it 5 times a day and never be sick of it.
Seriously, they used the line "whisper some sweet nuthings to this puddin'" on TV! How awesome is that?
There's been a demand for this for quite a while, but MTV is notoriously slow with putting things out on DVD. Now, however, we finally get to watch it all, and I fully suggest each and every one of you go purchase a copy.
Now, if only MTV would go ahead and release the full run of Sifl and Olly ... but that's probably too much to ask.
Item #1: Last month was my two-year wedding anniversary, and as Miss Manners would tell you, the traditional gift is cotton. Mrs. The Jim decided to stretch that to cover all forms of cloth, and she got my something I'd specifically requested: a football jersey.
As I've mentioned previously, I didn't follow sports as a kid, so I never really had any desire to own a jersey. I don’t know why I wanted one all of the sudden – I guess I just thought I needed something special for game day. Now, my favorite team, regardless of sport, is the alma mater. Maybe it's because that's when I started to follow sports, or maybe it's because of how much fun I had during college, but Texas A&M tops my list of athletics interest.
When making the request, I thought about asking for a #1 A&M basketball jersey, or maybe a baseball jersey from any one of a number of guys; however, I settled on the maroon #9 of my favorite football player: Dat Nguyen.
Dat was not the first Vietnamese-American football player, but he was the first one to ever play in the NFL. Needless to say, the name Nguyen stood out on a program. More importantly, though, he was seemingly a really good guy who was ALWAYS around the football. As a linebacker, he was slow, undersized, and short, yet he made plays. My buddies and I called him Shaolin, because we were sure he had special powers beyond mortal men. OK, maybe it was a bit lazy giving an Asian guy a nickname based on Kung Fu, but so be it.
Now, I'm fully aware it's pretty lame for a grown man to want a football jersey as a gift, but I still think it's an awesome present. I'm looking forward to breaking it out next season, as my boys boldly strive towards another 4-7 season. (We pretty much suck these days.) It'll be even better once Mrs. The Jim gets out of school and gets a job, so we could actually afford to go to a game or two.
Item #2: One of my wife's friends from nursing school is getting married in August. As we all know, my last summer wedding was when I broke out my seersucker jacket. Once I found out about this event, I knew I needed to break out the jacket again; however, I'm not one to just stand pat. No, I'm always looking to improve.
After a bit of thought, I decided what I needed to put my summer wedding ensemble over the top: a bow tie!! So, a couple of weeks ago, I went to the Brooks Brothers outlet store and picked up a classy blue-and-gold striped number. The wife was with me, but surprisingly enough, she was not as impressed as I. In fact, I believe she uttered the line, "I'm so embarrassed right now that I married you."
Well, here's the problem: I still haven't figured out how to tie this thing. I mean, watch this:
Did you follow that? So far, the closest I can get is just a random assortment of cloth bunched near my Adam's Apple. I'm hoping I can figure it out through practice, but it's way more complicated than I realized.
Item #3: I'm still obsessed with my attempts to complete Lego Batman. I've only got 3.7% left in the game, but it's taking me forever to get through this last little bit, especially when I'm trying as hard as possible to avoid using the internet to cheat. (Alas, I've done so on some rare, difficult occasions.)
As a break from that task, I recently downloaded Mike Tyson's Punch Out for the old NES. I never owned a NES, so I don't have much experience with the game. Right now, I'm pretty much stuck on Great Tiger (who I can occasionally beat) and Bald Bull (who I can't even touch).
One of the cool things about the Wii is that you can download a plethora of old video games for rather cheap. I've got Zelda (which I just can't figure out), and my wife has Super Mario 3 (she's a master of that one). Unfortunately, there's still one game that has been wrongfully omitted from their available titles: the pure majesty that is Pro Wrestling.
During high school, I used to drive out to the home of Will (The Official Best Man of The Jim) and just hang out. Often, we'd break out his old NES and play Pro Wrestling for hours. I loved playing Giant Panther, because he had the Iron Claw as one of his special moves. Will was far better at the game, and he used to love to use Fighter Hayabusa so he could kill me with the incredibly difficult Back Brain Kick. King Slender was super easy to use ... The Amazon was awesome because he would cheat and hit guys with a pipe ... seriously, I could go on like this for days. I loved this game!
I have looked everywhere for a place to request that Nintendo get off their asses and put this game out for download, but no such venue currently exists. This might require a personal letter to their head of development. Of course, I haven't been inundated with those Henry Kissinger ads for Dr. Pepper, so that may not be all that successful either.
As you know, the First Annual Crappy Art-a-Thon concluded on July 4. I'm sure everyone is waiting with baited breath to find out the results.
Well, I can officially announce that the increased website membership didn't exactly meet our goals. As of today, we currently have a grand total of seven (7) members. This is a 0% increase from last month. For those of you with mediocre math skills, that's not exactly a sterling result.
Apparently, having some random dude send you trash was not exactly the enticement I expected. Or maybe I made the minor blunder of a trying to drum up support on a site no one reads ... BY POSTING CONTENT ON A SITE NO ONE READS! Now, I'm no marketing guru, but I might see a problem there.
Don't worry, though ... this isn't the stupidest thing I've ever done. Hell, it probably doesn't make the Top 50 list. It certainly doesn't surpass the time I tried out for school mascot, or the time I threw a baseball bat straight up in the air and then LOOKED UP as it plummeted towards my forehead. It's not even close to the time I wandered onto a strange bus in Mexico without any idea as to where it was going. I'm still surprised I didn't end up in some Mexican sweatshop making crappy T-shirts for visiting gringos.
Regardless of the results, I am a man of my word! I stated that all current members would get their own artwork, and you certainly shall ... whether you want it or not! Soon, you'll receive an automated e-mail asking for your preferred artwork theme. Please make sure to respond, otherwise I'll be forced to make something up.
(Or I could just give you a call. It's not like I don't know all of you people personally.)
I break apart that chair! The plants become a green truck. Where is the last piece?
(Composed as I try to complete the last 12.2% of Lego Batman. I'm SO close!)
Until next time, The Jim Time is running out, my friends!! When July 4 rolls around, the deadline for the Crappy Artwork Pledge Drive will come to an end.
Take the time right now to sign up for the Mailing List. If you prefer, just send me an e-mail at PollutionMachine[at]gmail[dot]com and tell me what fantastic piece of crap you'll require.
Haikus are easy To write. I'd write them all day, But they don't pay well.
(Amen to that!)
Until next time, The Jim Don't forget, time's running out to sign up for your very own Official Pollution Machine Crappy Artwork. Either send me an email at PollutionMachine[at]gmail[dot]com, or sign up for the Mailing List.
First of all, I would like to congratulate you and your company for continued success through these tough economic times. While I have no expertise in your field, I would assume that the soft drink market is one steeped in brand loyalty, and I can certainly imagine it is difficult to compete with two giant corporate empires, not to mention the scores of smaller companies. Regardless, it would appear that you continue to bring fresh approaches and original ideas to the design and marketing of your products, such as Snapple and Dr. Pepper.
It is in regard to the current advertising campaign for Dr. Pepper that I write to you today. I feel your "Trust Me, I'm a Doctor!" campaign is quite ingenious. It combines an original approach with a sense of nostalgia, which I imagine is a "home run" in the advertising field. The choices for the "doctors" have also been entertaining, as they've ranged from witty (Dr. Frasier Crane) to just plain cool (Dr. J). But then ...
Gene Simmons? Really? First of all, it doesn't even make any sense. Nobody calls Gene Simmons "Dr. Love" - it's just a song he wrote. Plus, "Dr. Love" is somewhere around the 15th best KISS song ever. You wouldn't feature David Bowie in an ad and call him "The Man Who Sold the World," would you? Even ignoring the fact that Gene Simmons is a pompous ass, his use in this ad campaign seems like a major reach!
True, you came back with Dr. Dre, which I thought made sense, but that ad left me pretty flat as well. Dre seemed like he was just there to promote his new album. He certainly took himself too seriously for an inherently silly series of ads. Personally, I feel that you need to "right this ship" before your advertising campaign fades away into oblivion.
The following are some examples of other "doctors" I feel would be fantastic additions to your campaign. I haven't fully fleshed these ideas out, so there may be some prohibitive concerns; however, I think ideas like these are what you need to invigorate your campaign.
Dr. Frankenstein:
First of all, the good news: it's a public domain character from the 19th century! You can use Frankenstein whenever and wherever you want, and Mary Shelley's estate gets NOTHING! Of course, there have been hundreds of interpretations, but I think the portrayal most popular in the current culture would be Gene Wilder's Young Frankenstein. I haven't seen Gene Wilder in much of anything recently, so you could probably get him for pretty cheap. True, this might require some compensation to Mel Brooks, but I can't imagine it'd be any more than what you had to shell out to the Frasier people. (As I said, I'm no expert in the field. I'm sure you have some highly qualified intellectual property lawyers who can work these issues out.)
You could tie in the 23 flavors in Dr. Pepper as being analogous to the multiple body parts used to create the "creature." (I'm just brainstorming here; you'll need some writers to flesh this one out.) You would probably want to include an Igor-like character, or even have Teri Garr reprise her role as well. (I'd also note that Teri Garr isn't exactly all over TV these days either, so you can probably get her as well.)
Dr. Hannibal Lecter:
It's my impression that classically-trained, British actors seem to be much less pretentious and self-aggrandizing than American "method actors". People like Dame Judy Dench and Patrick Stewart seem to have a real sense of humor about themselves, and I think Sir Anthony Hopkins is in that same vein. True, it seems crazy to think a knight would do an ad for a soft drink, but who would have thought Orson Welles would appear in Transformers: The Movie?
You could have Hannibal in his Plexiglas cell from Silence of the Lambs, turning around slowly to address the camera. He'd say something like, "As anyone knows, I'm a connoisseur of good taste. Exquisite artwork, fine wines, gourmet ... foods. [LONG, creepy pause before "foods", just to emphasize the whole cannibalism thing.] This could be a real hit.
Dr. Henry Kissinger:
I believe this one is extremely promising, as no one will see it coming. This man won a Nobel Prize, for goodness sake! I believe, however, that Dr. Kissinger is a pretty funny guy, and if approached properly, would be willing to make a commercial as long as it was a fun experience.
A potential line would be, "A true diplomat knows how difficult it can be to bring together two parties. It takes patience, time, dedication. But to bring 23 different flavors together, plus even a kiss of cherry ... well, that's truly amazing. Trust me, I'm a doctor!" I can just envision him now with that funky accent. Personally, I think the accent is what would make the ad ... never underestimate the comedy potential of a funny accent!!
I really think this one could be historic. Of course, there's a slight drawback in that there are some extremists on the political front who have it out for him, but I think that group would be extremely small, especially now that the presidential administration is more to their liking. Besides, if you're willing to put someone as potentially controversial as Gene Simmons in your campaign, I'm willing to bet Henry Kissinger won't upset you too much.
As an aside, you should probably avoid Neil Patrick Harris, as he's already portrayed Doogie Howser in an Old Spice ad. You should also probably avoid all of the Scrubs guys, as I don't think that show has the widespread appeal that you're trying to capture.
Anyway, that's all I've got right now. If you like those, I can probably come up with some more. Don't worry about compensation, either. I just think it'd be cool to see these commercials on the air. If you want to use any of them, just send me some Diet Dr. Pepper and we'll be cool. (I'm trying to drop a few pounds, so no regular Dr. Pepper for me.)
Until next time, The Jim
Special thanks to my main man Brian, who brainstormed most of the above items with me. Henry Kissinger, by the way, was his personal favorite.
Tomorrow, Mrs. The Jim and I embark on our summer/anniversary trip. I rarely take time off from work, and we rarely have any money to do anything, so a while ago we decided to save up for a decent trip. When it came time to plan it, though, it turned out we hadn't really saved all that much. So, we're leaving tomorrow to go all the way to ...
True, it's not exactly far away or exotic, but I think it'll end up being fun. Regardless, it's almost assuredly going to be more enjoyable than our last summer trip to the extraordinarily forgettable town of Oklahoma City. (WHAT WAS I THINKING?)
We've got a nice hotel on the River Walk. I'm sure we'll go see the Alamo again, and we're tentatively planning on visiting Fiesta Texas. After that, we'll spend a couple of days 30 minutes away in New Braunfels, as we'll be going to Schlitterbahn, the world's largest and most famous water park. I'm not really a water park fan, and two days sounds like way too long for a normal water resort; however, anyone who has been there can tell you that Schlitterbahn is just that kick-ass!
I'll try to post some from the road, but in all honestly, I doubt that will happen. Regardless, I'm sure I'll have plenty of pictures from the trip. Plus, I have an innate ability to attract futility, so I'm sure this trip will go wrong somewhere along the way - and when it does, I'll be sure to report the gory details.
Until next time, The Jim Don't forget to get your entry in for the Crappy Art-A-Thon. All it takes is an e-mail to PollutionMachine[at]gmail[dot]com, or just sign up for the Mailing List.
Time is running out, and once we hit the deadline, you'll have to find another source for a finger-painting depicting the time Mr. Spock knocked out Wolverine. (Yes, that actually happened in a comic. And yes, it's as stupid as it sounds.)
First of all, a little reminder out there for my peeps: please make sure, if you haven't already, to sign up for the Mailing List. Also, go ahead and contact me over at PollutionMachine[at]gmail[dot]com and let me know what you'd like to see over here, and what theme you'd like for your art project..
And, if you're so inclined, make sure to tell your friends, neighbors, and any random hobos about the ongoing Crappy Art-A-Thon. Of course, contacting your friendly neighborhood hobo may not be particularly productive, unless your town has one of those WiFi-Compatable Hobos.
Last week, I had to go to Arlington for work. This gave me a chance to revisit A-Town, so I thought I'd provide some additional thoughts above and beyond my last trip.
I had previously mentioned that Arlington is the home of the new Cowboys Stadium, a massive, super-expensive facility that will likely be the most state-of-the-art sporting venue for the next 15 years or so. I had driven near the stadium a number of times. From a distance, it just looks like any other stadium. The work assignment, however, had me quite close to the place, and I was blown away!
Here's a pic I took, which doesn't do it justice at all.
(Click above to truly marvel in the stadium-sized goodness!)
First of all, it just looks awesome. While you can't get a sense of scale from that picture, I think it certainly displays how sleek, modern, and almost spaceship-like the thing is. As soon as I drove up to it, I immediately started to make some calls. I've got an inside source (husband-to-the-friend-of-the-wife) that was involved in the engineering on that job, and I'm hoping to get a tour of the place before it's completely finished.
Normally, that would be enough to make my day; however, even better aesthetic greatness awaited me. As is well documented, I have a strong appreciation for gaudy lawn sculptures. Well, what should I see as I'm strolling around but ...
That, my friends, is a concrete eagle. No, it's not particularly imposing or really even that gaudy. I mean, it's not like these people coupled that with a fake Venus de Milo on the other side of their yard. Oh, well that's MUCH better! As one can tell from that blurry blow-up picture, that really classed up the joint. As far as I'm concerned, it's like I'm back at the British Museum.
All in all, it was a nice day. I was walking through some neighborhood taking pictures of roads. True, it wasn't the greatest area in the world, but I certainly didn't see any reason to be worried.
Except for that!
Nice to know my job affords me the opportunity to travel stroll along through areas that are so warm and inviting that they actually had to invent a road sign to warn people about the gangs. While I'm at it, maybe I should just write back to Sgt. Dillon and see if I can work with him over in Iraq.
So, in summary, Arlington has a kick-ass stadium, crappy art ornaments, and gang-infested neighborhoods. Hmm ... maybe they should put that sentence on their Chamber of Commerce literature.
As noted yesterday, The Remarkable Pollution Machine has now surpassed one year of existence. In that one year, we have ...
...
...
... accomplished nothing! No regular schedule - no consistent theme - no real reason for existence (unless you count weekly displays of woeful poetry). So, I've decided to use this occasion to make some improvements, as well as attempt to drum up some interest.
The improvements are going to be pretty minor, at least to start. First of all, comments no longer require my approval before they're posted. I'm sure it's less entertaining to tell me I'm an idiot if you then must wait another 4 hours for me to aloow it.
Also, we're officially announcing the site's new e-mail address:
PollutionMachine [at] gmail [dot] com
(FYI, I listed the e-mail address that way so that automated SpyBots won't pick up the address and inundate me with crap. Just a little tip for the peeps out there.)
Please feel free to e-mail me with questions, comments, or ideas for future submissions. Between the comments and the site's e-mail, I want the public to feel involved here at The Machine. I mean, it's not just MY blog about random things that only interest me.
No, I like to think of this as OUR blog about random things that only interest me. Take some ownership, people!
I've also decided to maybe spruce up the site layout a bit ... maybe even change the logo. Of course, I'm a little torn - I don't know if I want to get rid of the two random old dudes (FYI - I've started calling them "Uncle Ed" and "Big Pete".)
Now, in order to drum up readership, I've decided to borrow from a knowledgeable source: PBS! They've got the concept of begging down to a science, and I've determined the use a two-pronged assault: guilt trips and free stuff.
First of all, the guilt ...
I don't ask you people for much. You don't have to pay anything for this wisdom. Do you realize the torment and effort that goes in to every word? I didn't think so, you selfish bastards!
Listen, I'm fully willing to publicly humiliate myself on a regular basis, with full knowledge that this will come back and haunt me someday. All I ask is that you at least provide me with the illusion that someone is paying attention.
To that end, please make sure you've signed up for the Mailing List. (There's also a link at the top of the page.) It helps to ensure you always know when this Tome of Greatness gets updated, and it gives me some idea of who's out there. And for the security-conscious out there, the only person who has access to the list is The Jim. I don't even let Mrs. The Jim take a peak ... that's how much I value your privacy. So sign up, won't you?
But maybe you're more interested in free stuff? Well sit tight, Barbarino, because The Remarkable Pollution Machine is happy to announce:
THE FIRST ANNUAL CRAPPY ART-A-THON
That's right, folks. Every person who joins up on the mailing list will get a hand-crafted piece of custom artwork from yours truly!! Will it be a Certified Man Card, or a Blog Topic Flowchart? It's all up to you!
(A typical example of my fine work!)
Either send me an e-mail, or post a comment below, and tell me what you'd like to see. I'll use the topic, select a style of art, and roll with it. After I'm done, I'll get your address and mail to you - FREE OF CHARGE - your award-winning, original piece of crap!
Will I end up using glitter glue and macaroni to depict the Battle of Hastings? Will I use MS Paint and construction paper to depict the theme of ennui? Will I make a collage of butt cheeks? Who knows? But if you sign up now, that butt cheek collage could be yours!!
For those of you already on the list, don't worry ... you're already getting your art. If you've been hesitating to sign up, or if you know someone who would appreciate badly drawn doodles, than get thee to the Mailing List. The official cut-off date for the Crappy Art-A-Thon is July 4, so get moving.
While I had recently been told that I no longer had a job, we had some money put away in savings, so I decided to suck it up and go buy another set of tickets from scalpers. We ended up paying an extra $50 a piece, and missing the early part of Friday’s show. Damn you, Ticket Thief!! Damn you to Hell!!
ACL was fun, and we saw some great acts. Probably the top shows ended up being 
My former employer, the one that always told everyone that it was "like a family" and "they were a different, caring company" apparently decided to treat me with all the caring and compassion of the Corleone family - and I was Fredo! Apparently, a couple of weeks extra pay is all I should need to find a job in the worst U.S. economy in decades. This also ignores the fact that the main reason I've been laid off is because NONE of my superiors actually did their jobs and marketed this area. Moreover, I actually received a negative performance review last year because I had the audacity to try to start marketing when no one else would. How DARE I try to do things outside of my job description!
To this day, no one from my former firm has called or written to say they were sorry to let me go, or that it was a shame, or that they were glad to have me there for 4 years, or to really even wish me good luck. Not the owner who liked to act like it was all a happy family. Certainly not the duplicitous, racist boss who loved to tell people how we were such a "Christian organization" while dropping the N-word left and right in front of employees. Somewhat surprisingly, I haven't even heard from any of my former coworkers back in Louisiana with whom I had a good relationship. Part of me wonders if they were even told how quickly all this was going down. It really was so bad, Mrs. The Jim wondered if I had actually been fired instead of laid off.
This turn of events freaked me out! My former boss had all but assured me that I was guaranteed a job with the firm across the hall. After this, though I had the realization that I couldn't trust anything this guy said. What if this new job was a bunch of crap as well? The potential employer had been out of town for the first part of the week, so I still hadn't been able to set up an interview.
And then the next day ... I had an interview that lasted roughly 15 minutes. The new employer wanted to give me $5,000 more a year, an opportunity to work on some huge projects, and a chance to do structural design on bridges, which I've been trying to do for years. In fact, he wants to eventually evolve into doing structural building design, and have me be his lead guy in that. That's a type of design I've been trying to do since college.
Item #1 (Will Work for ... Well, Lots & Lots of Money, Actually!): First of all, I had my meeting/interview on Thursday, and I managed not to look too foolish. This wasn't a real interview, as this company doesn't have a job available right now. Rather, this was an attempt by me to network through the 
Item #2 (Poor Performance): After I posted my last column, I made the realization that it's not easy to write something slightly coherent and somewhat entertaining when you haven't done so for a while. That was POOP! Even I didn't want to read it, and I usually think quite highly of myself. I can only imagine how dull and uninteresting that was for the average consumer.
Film #1 - Green Lantern: First Flight For those of you above the age of 5, you may not know that DC Comics has recently started making straight-to-DVD animated films. I guess since Super Friends is no longer out there, they want to make sure their primary characters and stories get out to a new market so that their blockbuster Warner Brothers movies continue to do well.
Film #2 - Hot Fuzz Fortunately for our sanity, I picked up two (2) films, and left 
The film eventually devolves into an insanely violent and funny shoot-out between the cops and the friendliest murder cult you've ever seen. It really gets good, as I just couldn't stop laughing for about the last 20 minutes.
First of all, Mrs. The Jim started school, but we had difficulty securing funding. Apparently, the stupid fools who kept buying houses they couldn't afford managed to not only destroy the housing market and the economy in general. No, the devastation has trickled down to the student loan market, as we couldn't find sufficient loans. It took us a while to figure out how to pay for her education, but we eventually pieced something together. Strangely enough, we managed to secure a loan after the fact, but that whole little drama took up a week of my attention.
Then, I spent over a week dealing with my pain-in-the-butt 
Just recently, my boss came over from the company HQ. He took my co-worker and me to lunch and told us about the long-term plans for the office. Just to sum up ... those long-term plans didn't exactly fill me with confidence. Apparently, the home office may or may not decide to get rid of my branch. Even if they don't, it may take years before this place is generating a bunch of work, and no one can seem to figure out how to go out and generate work in a new market.
Learned that 
Until next time,
Dat was not the first Vietnamese-American football player, but he was the first one to ever play in the NFL. Needless to say, the name Nguyen stood out on a program. More importantly, though, he was seemingly a really good guy who was ALWAYS around the football. As a linebacker, he was slow, undersized, and short, yet he made plays. My buddies and I called him 
After a bit of thought, I decided what I needed to put my summer wedding ensemble over the top: a bow tie!! So, a couple of weeks ago, I went to the Brooks Brothers outlet store and picked up a classy blue-and-gold striped number. The wife was with me, but surprisingly enough, she was not as impressed as I. In fact, I believe she uttered the line, "I'm so embarrassed right now that I married you."
As a break from that task, I recently downloaded 
During high school, I used to drive out to the home of Will (The Official Best Man of The Jim) and just hang out. Often, we'd break out his old NES and play Pro Wrestling for hours. I loved playing Giant Panther, because he had the Iron Claw as one of his special moves. Will was far better at the game, and he used to love to use Fighter Hayabusa so he could kill me with the incredibly difficult Back Brain Kick. King Slender was super easy to use ... The Amazon was awesome because he would cheat and hit guys with a pipe ... seriously, I could go on like this for days. I loved this game!
I have looked everywhere for a place to request that Nintendo get off their asses and put this game out for download, but no such venue currently exists. This might require a personal letter to their head of development. Of course, I haven't been inundated with those 
Dr. Frankenstein:
Dr. Hannibal Lecter:
Dr. Henry Kissinger:
As an aside, you should probably avoid Neil Patrick Harris, as he's already portrayed Doogie Howser in an 
As noted yesterday, The Remarkable Pollution Machine has now surpassed one year of existence. In that one year, we have ...
Now, in order to drum up readership, I've decided to borrow from a knowledgeable source: PBS! They've got the concept of begging down to a science, and I've determined the use a two-pronged assault: guilt trips and free stuff.
